New symptom: hormones. Or, how I'm the worst sister in the world....

Ok, so the topic is hormones. No, for real. In the last several days I have cried several times a day – usually at heartwarming commercials on TV. I haven’t cried today, but I’m on the verge (scratch that – I just spent 30 min crying hiding from my husband’s family). Too much stuff, and all I want to do is hide from the world. On the whole, family makes me insanely happy. But my sister got engaged today. To a guy who I think is a dud. There’s nothing so terrible about him, but my main objection is that she has never seemed to think he’s The One. I never got the impression that she felt that strongly or liked him that much. Until very recently, when I got the impression that she got caught up in the momentum of being with someone for several years, and her feelings got overtaken by how much he likes her. He knows a good thing when he’s got it, so he’s got that going for him. But still. It’s really hard to watch my sister settle for someone who is often selfish and difficult for her to deal with. I know that I’m insanely lucky to have such an incredible man in my husband, and that everyone is different, but I want my siblings to have what I have – true love of the kind you never question. And instead she’s getting caught up in the idea that now is the right time for marriage in her life, and the self-justifying rationalization that if she’s been with him for this long she must really love him. She’s never asked me what I think about any of this, so I have never talked to her about it. So I need to get this out, so that I can cry and get over my disappointment, and then be a good sister and be happy for her in as sincere a way as I can. Please don’t think I’m the worst person in the world for not being happy for my sister. I want to be. That’s why I’m trying to get this out in anonymous blog land so that I can call her and rejoice appropriately. But it’s too much emotionally, on a day when I was already having a hard time being patient with myself and with my mother-in-law, and with my absent sister-in-law who decided that attending Christmas eve with her whole extended family and her mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer, was too much effort because the 4 hour drive would inconvenience her new husband, breaking the 30 year tradition. It’s all too much. But I’m a big person and I can grow bigger. Today. Because that’s what you do when you love your family. But what I really need is a hug and a good cry.

First snow!

I love snow. Like, really a lot. And I'm completely tickled that this is the kid's first snow. I know it can't tell that I'm looking at snow out the window, but I'm going to have some hot cocoa on the theory that it will feel the warm cozy sensation with me. It always makes me nervous to celebrate things like this, even within my own head, because I'm scared I'm somehow going to jinx it and something will happen to the baby. But for today I'm going to try to be happy and look not too far ahead.

In other news

I puked for the first time today. I'm trying to remind myself that this is another tiny reduction in the miscarriage risk, since apparently women who puke miscarry slightly less than women who are only nauseated. So let's call it a good thing. It could have been a lot worse, but I hate puking, and it makes me feel really insecure feeling like it could happen again at any moment. I've been more emotional today than usual, and I don't know if it's a hormone surge that's causing both symptoms, or whether my emotions are just frayed from being afraid of vomiting again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, because it's my husband's office holiday party.

Speaking of my husband, he told four people today. More than ever before. The sweetest story was when he told a coworker who has a one-year-old. They had also struggled for years (3 I think) to conceive. Lots of therapy. And basically they ended up getting pregnant while waiting to start IVF. I don't think they were very open about their struggle, but when my husband mentioned that we were having trouble while they were on a business trip, his coworker told him about how hard it was for him and his wife. It's made me feel closer to them from afar ever since, and it was just so nice for my husband to be able to finally give this friend the good news. Apparently he barely got into the office and said "so can you keep a secret for a couple of weeks?" and the friend immediately knew what he was talking about and jumped up and hugged him and told him how happy he is for us. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

Finally, I'm struck by how different my work is from my husband's. My current boss has never had a trainee get pregnant before. None of the women in the lab have kids. So I'm continually expecting this news to hurt my career, and spend a lot of time thinking about how to show I'm still serious. I'm always surprised at how well people take it, no matter how many people I tell (10 so far? more?). In contrast, my husband works at a school where it seems like everyone is having kids all the time. They always have people on maternity leave, and his officemate has helped put together nanny-share arrangements for various people who work there. I think his life is a lot more normal than mine. But then again, when we were frustrated TTC, I could escape to work and throw myself into it without having constant reminders, and he had to go to work every day with happy pregnant people. Luckily, he's way better adjusted than I am : ) Still, I think this could be a great new advertising idea for lab science to draw in the frustrated infertiles.... "Biology: an escape from procreation" Catchy, right?

Telling the boss(es)

Thus far I have told 4 different people with the title “boss.” Four men to be specific (ah, science).

My future boss, starting in January, was actually a person I told when we started trying to conceive. And he and I have discussed the fact that we were using ART, and I had mentioned that it was looking like we’d have to start IVF pretty soon after I began working for him. I wanted to be as upfront as possible, since in a small lab any time off for a trainee can have an impact on a tenure-track scientist. But he’s a super family-friendly person, and a shoo-in for early tenure, so he has managed to be ridiculously positive about the whole thing. And in fact, he was one of the absolute first people I told when I found out I was pregnant. My husband agreed, he’s the person, after us, who probably has the most vested interest in this news : )

My current boss didn’t actually find out from me. I went into his office yesterday to tell him, but it turns out that a coworker I had told thought he already knew and spilled the beans. I thought that was fine, because that way I didn’t have to worry about his first reaction being inappropriate, but I also took pains to make sure he knew I was planning to tell him right away. I think we’re fine….

I told my two overseas supervisors in the same email message, and their reactions were completely opposite. One wrote back this morning responding to all of the logistical issues I brought up in my email (I won’t be able to fly there for my thesis defense when we had planned because it’s too late in the pregnancy, for example). I was a little surprised at this, since he’s a very family-oriented person, but I appreciated the logistical advice since he’s my main resource for that part of things.

What really surprised me was the reaction of my other overseas supervisor. He’s a great person, but we have always discussed almost exclusively science, and he has made a lot of sacrifices in his personal life for his career. He tends to be the most gruff of my advisors. And I see him less than once a year and speak to him only every 6 months or so. So I was completely shocked when he called me the moment he got the email. I wondered what he wanted to talk about so urgently (assuming it was logistics), but he launched into a description of how important the first 3-4 months of a pregnancy are, and urged me to take it easy over and over. He actually said “research will wait.” It was unexpected and really quite touching. He seemed so concerned about me. I have to say, it made me feel better about how lazy I’ve been about work in the last few weeks : ) It was just complete sweetness from the most unexpected source. And it made me feel great.

Long time away

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Basically, I feel like crap, and I feel like an ungrateful jerk complaining about feeling like crap. My sense of smell is in miserable overdrive, I feel nauseated most of the time, and I'm completely exhausted. As a result, I have accomplished almost nothing in the last 2 weeks. My paper STILL isn't submitted, and it's entirely my own laziness. But hopefully I'll get better. I'm trying to remind myself that this period doesn't last forever.

I made an appointment with an OB who was highly recommended both by my fertility doctor and by two coworkers. It seemed like it would be worth it to have such an awesome doctor, even though the wait for a new patient appointment is weeks and weeks. So I have to be patient about getting to see the kid again. It's really hard, because obviously my anecdotal experience with other people's blogs is that miscarriage is a major threat. So given my way, I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure things are going as planned. But I'm trying to remind myself that what will be will be, and that my symptoms are continual reminders that the baby is doing what it's doing : ) Luckily, the last picture we got (at 8 weeks 3 days) is pretty awesome:


(heartbeat was 170bpm)


If you're reading this, I hope you're well. I really appreciate this community, and I promise to be more in touch in the coming days and weeks.

Oh my God I'm really pregnant!

With one embryo. And it has a heartbeat! 115 beats per minute. Amazing amazing amazing. I guess it's real : ) No guarantees for the future, but at this moment I'm pregnant. Wow.

Symptoms

I'm having a hard time, so this is going to be me getting it all out, so that I can see it more clearly. First off, I've been really emotional for the last couple of days, so I need to focus on the fact that this is a good sign - it's just a symptom, and all symptoms are signs that I'm actually pregnant. Even though this symptom makes me weep uncontrollably, and makes me cry when my parents and mother-in-law call to share their excitement.

My breasts have been really sore, even though I don't think they're any bigger. I haven't thrown up, but I do feel slightly nauseated a lot of the time. In the last couple of days that's made me feel like eating only carbs. Even though I'm terrified of getting gestational diabetes and hurting the baby, I'm trying to remind myself that at this moment the baby doesn't need much in the way of extra nutrition (keeping up with the multivitamin and fish oil supplements). Eating a little bit several times a day helps with the nausea, so I think it's probably morning sickness. I've also been completely exhausted, and having a hard time sleeping through the night. I think it's probably that I need to pee and that makes me sleep lighter, which makes me more sensitive to my husband snoring. So again, I need to recast this issue as a symptom, and therefore positive.

It's worth mentioning also that I suck at being sick. Seriously - even relatively minor ailments make me emotional and lazy. I frequently cry out of frustration when I'm sick because I hate feeling out of control so much. So even though I am trying to remember that these symptoms are a good thing, I'm also having a hard time dealing. Normally I just wait it out when I feel bad, but in this case, that comfort doesn't exist: it's going to get worse rather than better, and it's not going to stop for months. And that's a good thing, but it's also hard for me to deal with when I'm already having mood swings. Human beings are magical, and we can adjust to almost anything. So I'm going to be able to feel like myself again. This won't last forever, and I need to be gentle with myself that I'm not superwoman.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying about miscarriage. So many other people have dealt with this, and it seems foolhardy to think I'll get a miracle when the odds are so high. But I'm trying to remind myself that my betas were good, and I did another home pregnancy test today and realized I'm an idiot: when I took the first one, I saw that the line was pretty faint, so I thought today I would feel better seeing it go up. It was only after reading this one that I realized I had the lines reversed - the other one was super dark. Luckily, today's was too. But that was after I had a heart attack over the fact that the line was really faint. The CONTROL line was really faint. Some lab scientist I am : )

All of which brings me to the topic that will make me feel insanely guilty. Please stop reading now, all of you. I need to write it down, but it's just going to make you all hate me. So please, just stop here. My inability to work this week has made my ambition-related anxiety go into hyperdrive. I'm incredibly ambitious, and I love being good at science. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I also want to be a good scientist. During the years that we've been struggling to have a baby, I have funneled lots of my energy into work. I became a slightly frightening work-a-holic as a way to deal with the complete lack of control that infertility continually rubs your nose in. But by now, that approach is a complete habit for me (one I like). So much so that I feel terrible that I'm not being more productive in the last week as I adjust to being pregnant. I should be writing this paper, but I'm exhausted and nauseated, so instead I work way less than I used to. I'm realizing that I need to recalibrate my expectations. When I started doing this job, I had a totally reasonable balance of 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. If I was focused and productive during those hours I could get a lot done. In the last few years that has increased, so that now I feel guilty if I work less than 12 hours. Which is every day recently, and I'm feeling like I'm losing an important part of myself. I need to focus on recalibrating, and I also need to get into a new habit for writing. Before, I would go to the coffee shop and a decaf would help me focus. I need to get back in that habit but without the caffeine. I also need to get back on track with my writing buddy, who I've been avoiding because I can't handle telling her I'm pregnant. But I need to bite the bullet, and get back on track so that I can get a handle on this anxiety. Which now I feel like I can do.

In case you're still reading, here's the final, slightly hilarious symptom: I can't stand things being messy, dirty or disorganized. In general, I'm a totally messy person, and my husband does most of the housework. But in the last week I've done a lot of cleaning, because it makes me anxious to have things out of place. Our house isn't especially neat or clean right now, but I'm noticing, and that's a new thing. Pregnancy OCD. I wonder if that's a thing.

Week 5

The stick was a good idea, and both moms were over the moon. So that made it seem more real. But now it's fading again. I think it's mostly because my husband processes things deep in his brain (the emotional stuff at least), so he doesn't bring it up, and he's the main person I talk to outside of work.

The third beta was 2081, which they count as appropriate doubling even though by my count it's not quite (for 3 days later). So we scheduled the ultrasound for Friday, and hopefully that will make me more confident about the whole thing. I really need to tell people, because a) it doesn't feel real if it's a secret from everyone around me, b) I think about miscarriage a lot by myself and other people are too ignorant to be worried about that so they focus me on the happy part, and c) I feel like I'm lying by hiding this from important people. But the things that hold me back are a) I feel like I should tell my siblings before I tell other people (even though I feel like I'd rather practice on friends first), and b) I know if I miscarry I'm not going to want to have to tell almost anyone.

So at the moment my plan is to tell one close friend before Friday, and then tell my siblings over the weekend if the ultrasound goes well. I know it's stupid to be scared of telling them, but I really am. I'm the oldest, and this will change a lot about the family dynamic (or at least they will be worried it will). None of them have any experience with this area, and none of them has a very good filter, so I'm really worried they'll say something that will crush me without really meaning to. I know that's stupid, but it's there and so I need to get it out.

In other news, I've been exhausted and very slightly nauseated all week. I've been so tired that I have no idea how there are people who don't notice they're pregnant. Week 5, and I can't function at all like normal. Which sucks because I'm insanely anxious about work, and not getting it done makes me wake up early from anxiety, which means less sleep, which makes me more tired, which continues the cycle. So I'm trying to do some very basic easy yoga, to make me feel a little more physically competent. And I keep reminding myself that I'm accomplishing something at all times by growing a human being. And most importantly, that as long as I finish my PhD before the kid is born, it's really not going to matter that I couldn't finish by the end of 2010. It just means I need to tell my advisors way earlier than I otherwise would, since that's why I'm asking for an extension.

It's all going to be ok. Cleaning is surprisingly soothing right now, so I'm going to go do that. Thanks for listening to my anxiety-fueled ramblings.

Great news

The result today was 768, more than double 48 hours before. I have another test on Monday, and if that shows good doubling too, we get to schedule an ultrasound at the fertility clinic for the 19th. That fact made it seem more real all of a sudden. And I’m very grateful that I won’t have to wait long to see if there’s more than one embryo in there. The nurse said it’s impossible to predict anything from the levels being on the high side, so my fears about multiples are solely based on the fact that they had no idea how many eggs were mature when we finally triggered. So there could be up to 25 in there : ) But hopefully NOT! I’m going to keep my fingers crossed until Monday, but today’s result definitely made me feel better about the whole thing. It might be real. That means we need to tell our moms - probably today. Which still doesn’t feel like a good idea, but I’m going to buy a stick test on the way home, so hopefully that will make it seem more real. I’ve never ever seen even a hint of a line on any test in the last 2 years, so I’m really looking forward to it. Happy happy, and hopefully going to get to stay that way. I hope my mom is happy, but even if she is, there’s a strong history of her making me cry when I tell her good news. Hopefully we can break that pattern today, since she should be expecting this news. Craziest week ever!

Um.

There are too many things I want to say at once. In the end, I'm only trying to write this entry because I think I'll want to remember how I feel today, before it's overshadowed by how I'll feel tomorrow or the day after that.

I'm pregnant. At least for now. And the stupid thing is that I feel like I should apologize to anyone reading this, because your infertility journey has probably been so much worse than mine, and I hate feeling like I'm going to cause someone pain by writing this. But I am, and I'm so unbelievably a jumble of emotions.

It doesn't feel real, although I'm hoping that the repeat beta test tomorrow will make me feel like it's ok to believe it. I'm also going to buy a pregnancy test on the way home tomorrow, so that I can pee on a stick and know for sure they didn't mix up the samples, and maybe holding it in my hand will make it seem true. This can't happen to me. IUI? But it's so simple. We started this cycle the day the doctor told us that IVF was probably our only shot. Can we really be getting what we've been dreaming about for so long? And how can I ever take on the responsibility of keeping safe, and growing this other human life? It's so overwhelming (and amazing - I oscillate continuously).

My husband didn't believe it either. Not really. I could tell it wasn't sinking in, even though his face in the first moment I told him was something I want to remember forever. And he held me while I cried out of happiness and sheer overwhelmedness. So many emotions. I need for him to come home tonight so that I can talk to someone about it again. I feel bad about it, but I lied point blank to my mom about it when she asked this afternoon, and told her the test is tomorrow. Because I am feeling so worried that it's not going to keep being true that I couldn't bear the idea of having to deal with her happiness today. So instead I get to tell her tomorrow, right? When there really is good news, and I won't have to snatch it right back.

My primary anxieties today are that the high HCG level (351!) either means multiples, or a molar pregnancy, and also that this happiness will only last for a few days or weeks and I'll miscarry. It has happened to so many other women, and it makes it almost impossible to believe that we'll actually get to hold onto this happiness. But at the same time, it's so insanely reassuring that our genetic material can combine at all, so I'm trying to hold onto that. I teased my husband that the fact that our first IUI worked means that the problem all along has been that his sperm weren't bright enough to get past my cervix.

The nurse called yesterday, and I asked her whether she was sure at least twice. I was so surprised. They always say they have bad news. Never good news! We have a whole routine. And yet she did. And they didn't call back all afternoon to say it was a mix-up.

I'm reassured by the fact that there are actual symptoms. Not definitive, obviously, but it explains a lot, in retrospect. I was exhausted all weekend, and the weekend before I slept for an entire day. I've had a variety of other health issues in the last couple of weeks, and they all show up on a list of early pregnancy symptoms. So maybe it's true. Maybe this will actually be the start of an amazing amazing adventure. And not the start of a dark period in my life. For tonight, I'm going to try to focus on the idea of a baby (or babies) next summer. Perfect timing for my teacher husband (and for me, assuming I can work successfully while pregnant). The timing he would have chosen two years ago (a year earlier, obviously) if I hadn't told him firmly that fertility isn't predictable, and that we were not stupid enough to try to time anything. Can we really be this lucky?

I think that's most of it. Maybe my life really did change in an instant. Just like every other part of this experience, it's very Schroedinger's Cat - I won't know whether my life changed yesterday until further down the line. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe....

Waiting is lame

Sorry things are so boring around here. There’s not a lot to report during the two-week wait. I know we said we’d assume this cycle wasn’t going to work, but let’s be honest – there was no chance I was going to give up all hope until they call with the results of the test. Especially not when I’m trying so hard to remember to take my progesterone and vitamins “just in case.” So that’s pretty much all the fertility news.

My stress levels are way higher than I want. I kicked ass at a big work presentation last week (yay me!), but my mother-in-law is in town this weekend, so I’ve been struggling with that (very very quietly). I don’t know why: I love my mother-in-law like crazy. She’s wonderful, and I adore spending time with her. However, something changes when she comes to my house. I can’t stand her when she’s on my turf. And this has been true from the very beginning of my having my own place (with her son). I have no idea why, but it’s horrible, because I feel like the most terrible person in the world for being so irrational. And yet I can’t help it. So I feel trapped and claustrophobic and grumpy, and bad for feeling that way about such a wonderful person. It’s a lame way to start the week (she’s not leaving until tomorrow). But it’s all going to be fine, and I’ll feel better when I can get back to my routine.

Calming breaths. It’s all going to be ok.

IUI = super easy

Just an update to say that the IUI went well. It was shockingly fast, no cramping, and with a very perky doctor I had never met. The longest part of the whole thing was verifying the identifying information. Am I a freak if I say that I figure they have a way stronger motivation to make sure they don't mix up the sperm samples than I do? I mean, either way I get a baby, but they get the universe's worst publicity. So I checked with them, but I wasn't especially stressed.

Since then, I've been anxious, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through the wait until the 3rd. But I have a ton of stuff going on at work between now and then, so that's nice and consuming. My boss was really excited about my work today, so hopefully I can keep it up. I think I've done better work in the last year than I ever have or will again. I almost feel like I should confess to my coworkers that the only reason I'm so motivated and hardcore about work is because I'm failing so thoroughly at making a baby. I love that I have something to throw myself into, but I hate that I have to. Hopefully that part will change, and I can throw myself into getting my work done before I go on maternity leave : )

IUI ay ay ay

I haven't posted much during this cycle because it's been so lame. Appointments every two days, and no follicles growing. (Sidenote: most frustrating thing about them not growing is the ultrasound tech who keeps chirping "they're growing" even though they're the same size every time.)

On Friday, I saw my doctor outside his office for the first time, and he seemed completely mystified about why I'm not responding to the Clomid at all. He said I should come back today, but that if I don't respond we'll probably need to give up on this cycle.

Today the ultrasound tech didn't let me watch the screen, give me a printout, or say anything to me, and from what I could see on the computer, nothing had grown. So I assumed this cycle was a bust. But actually, they told me to trigger tonight and we're scheduled for IUI tomorrow. So I'm trying to be positive but not gets my hopes up.

Please send positive thoughts and prayers my way, even though I can't believe that there's any chance this is going to work. The mature-ish follicles are on the right side (where the endometrioma is), so I think this attempt is doomed, but pray for me anyway, because it's going to be impossible for me not to hope.

Guess who I ran into at the fertility clinic?

Talk about your awkward moments. I ran into a friend who I'm going to start working with in January. She's great, but I haven't told her that we've been trying (and failing) because a) she's a colleague, and b) she can't keep a secret at all. So I figured we would both be happier saving this discussion until I was pregnant or on an adoption list.

Until today. I was headed in, and she and her husband were headed out. I had this moment of mutual recognition where I thought, "Oh this is so nice. She's going through this too, and how nice that they're trying for kids." She asked me what I was doing there, and I said "I'm a patient here." But it turns out she's not a patient - she's an egg donor. So it's not as happy a discovery anymore. And the conversation was way more awkward because her husband was there too. Although he was really nice about the whole thing, and he has a kid from his first marriage, so he's not a stranger to these things.

I'm trying to focus on the upsides: she can reassure me about the IVF drugs and needles, and we can help each other out with big injections if necessary. And because they're not going through IF, they have the energy and positivity to wish me luck on the IUI tomorrow and not know how unlikely that seems. So it's kind of nice to be buoyed by some kindhearted fertile people. And I'll just try not to think about the fact that it couldn't be a starker comparison that this coworker is the picture of fertility and I'm the picture of not. She wins, but if I get to have a baby, I definitely win too. And it's nice that I'll be able to be open about it at work when we start IVF - my future boss and loudest future coworker both know now, so there are only two other people to find out. Hopefully I can get through tomorrow without my current boss or coworkers finding out about the IUI. And I can keep from considering (too much) what happens to my career and my dignity if/when this (very lovely very fun) future coworker gets drunk at a conference and tells people in my field that I'm infertile : )

What to say?

I've been thinking for over a week about what to say to two friends who both made variants on the "just relax and it will happen" comment. They both really hurt, but I don't want to cut these people out of my life.

It's worth mentioning (as an aside) that I am a champion grudge-holder. No joke, I still haven't forgiven my third grade teacher for putting me in the wrong spelling group. So, for instance, I will never not hate the awful doctor on a study that I participated in who read me a twenty-minute-long lecture on just relaxing. But with these friends the situation is different.

I'm relatively young (28) and I'm from a place where higher education is the norm, so almost no one I know has kids yet. Most of them are nowhere close. As a result, I'm the first friend for almost everyone I know who's dealing with this (obviously as far as I know, but in terms of educating people around me, other people's silent struggles are less relevant). I know their insensitive comments are made only because they don't realize how it will make me feel. So it seems like it might be worth mentioning how it made me feel, so that they are less likely to say things like that in the future. I also feel like it's going to be hard for me to be open with them in the future if I don't say something, because I'll be afraid of it happening again.

So I should probably say something. But the question is what. I think it's pretty obvious that both of them say this (one by email, one in person) because they see/hear how stressed and upset I am about the uncertainty of not being able to have children, and they want me not to be sad/stressed. (Obviously it has the opposite effect, but I think their hearts are in the right place.) But I don't know whether it will help to say this. The main concern is that they may feel like I'm correcting them, and will be uncomfortable talking to me in the future.

The one who said it in person, I immediately explained that "what you need to do is just relax and live and love" is not applicable to me - that I'm ready for the next step and that's all I want. She seemed to get that, so I don't know whether I should even follow up with her. I just figure it might be beneficial to explain that "jut relax" is never advice any infertile woman is ever going to want, so that she knows not to say it to anyone else either.

The one who emailed to say we just need to take a vacation, and it will happen for us is a slightly different situation. She's a very close friend, and she worries that she will face infertility in the future. When she wrote that, she had just gone to a seminar on adoption with me. I think she was feeling overwhelmed by how hard it all is (ART and adoption), and how much she hopes we can avoid IVF and adoption. But I still can't figure out how to reply and not point out how much I need her to support me where I actually am, and avoid wishful thinking as much as possible.

Any advice would be much appreciated! These women are both important to me, and are two out of the three friends I have told about what we're going through.

Funny story about sex

When we started our first IUI cycle last week, I asked the nurse a bunch of questions to make sure I understood the procedure. And I was psyched I remembered to ask how many days in advance we needed to abstain. That was how I asked, too: "How many days beforehand do we have to abstain from sex?" To which the answer was... "If you haven't had sex in a couple of weeks, we ask that you have intercourse on the night of the trigger." And so I was forced to ask a whole series of follow-up questions about whether we were still cool to have sex up through the trigger day if we do it much more often than that (no clear answer, but I crafted my own and got it approved).

If I'm asking how long I have to abstain for, isn't that a signal that I have sex often? I guess the whole point is that they shouldn't assume, but it seemed hilarious to me that they assume I don't want to have sex. I know a lot of couples find IF so stressful that their sex life suffers (and seems like work), and I assume from the TV stereotypes that some married couples really don't have sex very often, but I just think it's strange that I seem to be such an outlier in my intense desire to do it with my hot husband as often as possible, babymaking or no. In any case, I'd rather be me than that nurse : )

So it's going to be one of those cycles

That's what I thought this morning when I found out that my biggest follicle is only 12.5 mm at day 12. My second TI cycle was also really drawn out - I had to go in every two days for over a week for monitoring. It doesn't make me at all hopeful for this cycle, but that's probably a good thing since we said we'd treat all these cycles before IVF as bonuses we don't expect to work. Still, the idea of going back over and over again to be told that my body isn't responding the way it should isn't at all appealing. The good news is, today is our anniversary and because we're not doing an IUI tomorrow morning, we can have sex tonight. So I'm going to focus on that happy thought.

But now we have a plan

Through my tears on Friday, I managed to make an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. We got insanely lucky and got a meeting with him today, even though he's technically booked through next month. I also managed to get in touch with the insurance coordinator, who told me that we get unlimited IUI and TI cycles. If it's still true that we get 3 IVF cycles then we really really really can't complain about our coverage!

The meeting today went well, although there was something of a bombshell at the beginning. The doctor thinks that the cyst that has been on my right ovary for months now is an endometrioma, and is negatively affecting my fertility in addition to the PCOS. The options are to remove it (requiring surgery, possibly damaging the ovary, and potentially allowing it to come back there or elsewhere) or to do IVF (requiring IVF). Given that I don't have any symptoms from it, it's not growing so far, and removing it probably won't boost my fertility dramatically, we made a plan to start IVF this summer (or sooner if my work will allow it). That means we have 8 months in which to continue with TI, IUI, and potentially add FSH to stimulate more eggs. So we started a new cycle, the first cycle of IUI (!!) today on day 4, and I'm starting clomid tonight. November and December we have to take off, since we'll be traveling, but it feels good not to be missing this cycle.

So, overall, we're feeling good and purposeful. But I dread all of the medical crap ahead of me. We'll find out whether it makes me feel any better that now my husband is involved with the medical side of this (and more intimately, since he has to give a sperm sample each time). Wish us luck!

Things were hard

So many things have happened that I haven't written about, so it seems like I should jot some of it down to remember.

On Friday I got the call that the test was negative. It was a really hard afternoon. I couldn't fake it at work, and barely made it to the parking lot before starting to cry hysterically. I made it home safely despite my impaired ability to drive and cry (side note: I've gotten really good at crying-and-doing-something-else through this process.). I spent several hours crying, and was having some thoughts about the kitchen knives (not ours, but my parents steak knives. I know, TMI). I decided that that was a bad thing, and since my husband wasn't going to be getting home for hours, I decided I had to go out. So I went to get a haircut (a self-destructive act in my world, and one that would allow me to exert control). So I got a haircut, and then some amazing frozen yogurt, and then I went to Trader Joe's and bought food and bought myself some flowers. I kept it together through the whole trip, and then decided I was intact enough to go out with the friends we had plans with that night. So I survived that day, and have been limping through the ones since. The news that my mother-in-law has breast cancer (hopefully fully treatable) came on Sunday, so that's added a lot to the emotional load of this week. It's so cruel that you get bad news about not being pregnant while PMSing.

It's ok to cry today

This is my message to myself telling me it's okay to be sad today. I went in for my pregnancy test, and haven't gotten the results back yet. I'm already sad, and the clouds are getting darker. But I'm going to make it through this day, even though it's going to be tough.

Are you kidding me?

I love TV. That's probably not accurate. I love TV. As part of my TV obsession, I have become used to having my soft parts about infertility poked by various plotlines. But I'm reasonably good at handling those moments. I can still enjoy the shows, and it doesn't phase me too too much.

But today all I can say is, are you fucking kidding me? One of my favorite shows of all time is How I Met Your Mother, and I have been looking forward to the season premier all summer. I knew they had an important plotline about two of the characters trying to conceive, but I didn't realize that the episode was going to end with an entire discussion about her nervousness that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant and he would be disappointed. We were watching with a friend, so we couldn't talk about it overtly, and so it was the most awkward TV watching moment I've ever had. I seriously want to kill someone. Sigh. Just had to vent. Are you fucking kidding me? They're not just TTC, but we actually have to deal with a female infertility plotline (that will of course turn out to be all in her head, because a comedy is obviously not going to dash our characters' hopes for the next 2 years). FML.

New Year

I want to put something down so that this moment is recorded, just because it seems like it's worth keeping track of the process. Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. It was much better than expected. I find that I have been able to get over my anger at God. I'm still sad, and I don't necessarily feel the "everything happens for a reason" part, but I am so much better than I was last year at this time. I shook all the way through temple, whereas this time I felt like my heart was cleansed, just like I usually do. I'm so grateful for that feeling - for God forgiving me for my lack of faith with him. "Turn to him and he will return." The new year is a hard one because both Torah passages are focused on barren women whose husbands still love them and who God helps to conceive. After a day's reflection, I feel like it's there to tell me that I'm not alone in this. My foremothers also knew this pain, and God remembered them. It only just occurred to me that the daughter who my family friends adopted (their first child) is named Hannah. It seems likely that she's named after the woman in the bible who said about her son, "I have asked him of the Lord." So I'm grateful that I feel more at peace and more like I'm part of God's plan. But I'm also still emotional and sad that I think I have to give up on having my own biological children.

Right. So I kind of forgot the key part of the equation. The way that this Clomid cycle worked out, the first day of Rosh Hashana was the day of timed intercourse. So we needed to have sex before going to temple, and then try again that night. Conceiving a baby on your way to synagogue. It's an incredible way to start the new year if it works (and believe me, if it does, this child will be dedicated to the Lord in every way I can find, given that they are going to be whoever they are going to be). But if it doesn't, it seems like the most painful way to begin the new year: with hope that turns out to be unwarranted. So I'm spending today, the second day of Rosh Hashana, researching adoption and trying not to feel disappointed that I don't feel pregnant, nor hopeful that I might be.

Shana Tova

Good news

So despite my negative feelings going in, there are actually follicles maturing, and 4 had grown to reasonable size today. None is big enough to trigger yet, but this gives major hope that they will in a day or two. At the moment the biggest one is 15 mm. Yay! Such good news. I'm still waiting for a call to let me know what the plan is and when to come back for further monitoring, but I'm feeling much more hopeful and less defective. Just in case this is due to the fact that I exercised on Tuesday, I'm going to make sure I get some more exercise. Can't be a bad thing, right?

Update

For reasons unknown, the Clomid didn't appear to work this cycle. Unlike last cycle, when I responded beautifully, with an estrogen level of ~800 at day 12 and three good-sized follicles, this time around I have lots of small follicles and estrogen at day 11 and day 13 in the 120-160 range. My doctor wants to wait 3 more days to see if anything changes (he thinks the chances are 50-50) and then maybe wants to do a higher dose of clomid. But he seems pretty thrown by not having a clue why it worked last time and not at all this time. I need to check and make sure that I didn't break some cardinal rule of clomid-dom, but otherwise I'm pretty thrown, too. So that sucks. Wish me luck on Thursday.

Adoption looks good today

So first, the update. Went in yesterday for Day 11 ultrasound, and they said I was nowhere near ready (biggest follicles at 12, need to be 18). So they sent me home and I'm supposed to go back tomorrow to check again. The doctor seemed unconcerned (not my doctor, but the first one I've seen at one of these appointments) and said that it can take up to 20 days to respond to the clomid. However, I'm still a worrier, and the fact that the nurse said last time that you usually respond the same way to clomid every time means that I'm anxious. Hopefully things will go well tomorrow.

I saw a bunch of cute kids today, and that made adopting an infant seem like a good option. I need to consult a rabbi to figure out how the whole Judaism thing works with adoption.

Hormonal hilarity

The update today is I'm still quick to cry, and I still want to laugh at myself for being so hormonal every time it happens. New thing that makes me cry: The West Wing. I give it one day until I'm crying at commercials.

Where we're at now

I was diagnosed by our fertility doctor with PCOS in April. Did one round of clomid with trigger that didn't work, and then took a month off because I was traveling at the wrong time. We had to skip that month, but honestly it was a relief since I needed some time to get over the sadness and fear. Just starting a new cycle (today is day 5), and trying not to be too negative about the stats (about a 30% chance of success at this point). I'd always thought we would adopt if this doesn't work, but now I'm considering IVF and feeling confused. We are insanely blessed in every other way, so I'm trying to keep some perspective through all of this. But I'm seeing myself way too much in Jennifer Garner's character in Juno, so I can't really claim to be succeeding in locating perspective.

Worst movie to watch while on fertility meds

I'm going to go with Juno (which I am dumb enough to be watching on TV).

Identifying with Jennifer Garner is not an ok thing in my world, and seeing the desperation on her face during their first meeting with Juno felt so familiar that I cried. Yup, two days into round 2 of Clomid and I'm that person. Crying during random scenes of Juno.