Things were hard

So many things have happened that I haven't written about, so it seems like I should jot some of it down to remember.

On Friday I got the call that the test was negative. It was a really hard afternoon. I couldn't fake it at work, and barely made it to the parking lot before starting to cry hysterically. I made it home safely despite my impaired ability to drive and cry (side note: I've gotten really good at crying-and-doing-something-else through this process.). I spent several hours crying, and was having some thoughts about the kitchen knives (not ours, but my parents steak knives. I know, TMI). I decided that that was a bad thing, and since my husband wasn't going to be getting home for hours, I decided I had to go out. So I went to get a haircut (a self-destructive act in my world, and one that would allow me to exert control). So I got a haircut, and then some amazing frozen yogurt, and then I went to Trader Joe's and bought food and bought myself some flowers. I kept it together through the whole trip, and then decided I was intact enough to go out with the friends we had plans with that night. So I survived that day, and have been limping through the ones since. The news that my mother-in-law has breast cancer (hopefully fully treatable) came on Sunday, so that's added a lot to the emotional load of this week. It's so cruel that you get bad news about not being pregnant while PMSing.