Thursday, September 30, 2010

But now we have a plan

Through my tears on Friday, I managed to make an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. We got insanely lucky and got a meeting with him today, even though he's technically booked through next month. I also managed to get in touch with the insurance coordinator, who told me that we get unlimited IUI and TI cycles. If it's still true that we get 3 IVF cycles then we really really really can't complain about our coverage!

The meeting today went well, although there was something of a bombshell at the beginning. The doctor thinks that the cyst that has been on my right ovary for months now is an endometrioma, and is negatively affecting my fertility in addition to the PCOS. The options are to remove it (requiring surgery, possibly damaging the ovary, and potentially allowing it to come back there or elsewhere) or to do IVF (requiring IVF). Given that I don't have any symptoms from it, it's not growing so far, and removing it probably won't boost my fertility dramatically, we made a plan to start IVF this summer (or sooner if my work will allow it). That means we have 8 months in which to continue with TI, IUI, and potentially add FSH to stimulate more eggs. So we started a new cycle, the first cycle of IUI (!!) today on day 4, and I'm starting clomid tonight. November and December we have to take off, since we'll be traveling, but it feels good not to be missing this cycle.

So, overall, we're feeling good and purposeful. But I dread all of the medical crap ahead of me. We'll find out whether it makes me feel any better that now my husband is involved with the medical side of this (and more intimately, since he has to give a sperm sample each time). Wish us luck!

Things were hard

So many things have happened that I haven't written about, so it seems like I should jot some of it down to remember.

On Friday I got the call that the test was negative. It was a really hard afternoon. I couldn't fake it at work, and barely made it to the parking lot before starting to cry hysterically. I made it home safely despite my impaired ability to drive and cry (side note: I've gotten really good at crying-and-doing-something-else through this process.). I spent several hours crying, and was having some thoughts about the kitchen knives (not ours, but my parents steak knives. I know, TMI). I decided that that was a bad thing, and since my husband wasn't going to be getting home for hours, I decided I had to go out. So I went to get a haircut (a self-destructive act in my world, and one that would allow me to exert control). So I got a haircut, and then some amazing frozen yogurt, and then I went to Trader Joe's and bought food and bought myself some flowers. I kept it together through the whole trip, and then decided I was intact enough to go out with the friends we had plans with that night. So I survived that day, and have been limping through the ones since. The news that my mother-in-law has breast cancer (hopefully fully treatable) came on Sunday, so that's added a lot to the emotional load of this week. It's so cruel that you get bad news about not being pregnant while PMSing.

Friday, September 24, 2010

It's ok to cry today

This is my message to myself telling me it's okay to be sad today. I went in for my pregnancy test, and haven't gotten the results back yet. I'm already sad, and the clouds are getting darker. But I'm going to make it through this day, even though it's going to be tough.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Are you kidding me?

I love TV. That's probably not accurate. I love TV. As part of my TV obsession, I have become used to having my soft parts about infertility poked by various plotlines. But I'm reasonably good at handling those moments. I can still enjoy the shows, and it doesn't phase me too too much.

But today all I can say is, are you fucking kidding me? One of my favorite shows of all time is How I Met Your Mother, and I have been looking forward to the season premier all summer. I knew they had an important plotline about two of the characters trying to conceive, but I didn't realize that the episode was going to end with an entire discussion about her nervousness that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant and he would be disappointed. We were watching with a friend, so we couldn't talk about it overtly, and so it was the most awkward TV watching moment I've ever had. I seriously want to kill someone. Sigh. Just had to vent. Are you fucking kidding me? They're not just TTC, but we actually have to deal with a female infertility plotline (that will of course turn out to be all in her head, because a comedy is obviously not going to dash our characters' hopes for the next 2 years). FML.

Friday, September 10, 2010

New Year

I want to put something down so that this moment is recorded, just because it seems like it's worth keeping track of the process. Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. It was much better than expected. I find that I have been able to get over my anger at God. I'm still sad, and I don't necessarily feel the "everything happens for a reason" part, but I am so much better than I was last year at this time. I shook all the way through temple, whereas this time I felt like my heart was cleansed, just like I usually do. I'm so grateful for that feeling - for God forgiving me for my lack of faith with him. "Turn to him and he will return." The new year is a hard one because both Torah passages are focused on barren women whose husbands still love them and who God helps to conceive. After a day's reflection, I feel like it's there to tell me that I'm not alone in this. My foremothers also knew this pain, and God remembered them. It only just occurred to me that the daughter who my family friends adopted (their first child) is named Hannah. It seems likely that she's named after the woman in the bible who said about her son, "I have asked him of the Lord." So I'm grateful that I feel more at peace and more like I'm part of God's plan. But I'm also still emotional and sad that I think I have to give up on having my own biological children.

Right. So I kind of forgot the key part of the equation. The way that this Clomid cycle worked out, the first day of Rosh Hashana was the day of timed intercourse. So we needed to have sex before going to temple, and then try again that night. Conceiving a baby on your way to synagogue. It's an incredible way to start the new year if it works (and believe me, if it does, this child will be dedicated to the Lord in every way I can find, given that they are going to be whoever they are going to be). But if it doesn't, it seems like the most painful way to begin the new year: with hope that turns out to be unwarranted. So I'm spending today, the second day of Rosh Hashana, researching adoption and trying not to feel disappointed that I don't feel pregnant, nor hopeful that I might be.

Shana Tova