New symptom: hormones. Or, how I'm the worst sister in the world....

Ok, so the topic is hormones. No, for real. In the last several days I have cried several times a day – usually at heartwarming commercials on TV. I haven’t cried today, but I’m on the verge (scratch that – I just spent 30 min crying hiding from my husband’s family). Too much stuff, and all I want to do is hide from the world. On the whole, family makes me insanely happy. But my sister got engaged today. To a guy who I think is a dud. There’s nothing so terrible about him, but my main objection is that she has never seemed to think he’s The One. I never got the impression that she felt that strongly or liked him that much. Until very recently, when I got the impression that she got caught up in the momentum of being with someone for several years, and her feelings got overtaken by how much he likes her. He knows a good thing when he’s got it, so he’s got that going for him. But still. It’s really hard to watch my sister settle for someone who is often selfish and difficult for her to deal with. I know that I’m insanely lucky to have such an incredible man in my husband, and that everyone is different, but I want my siblings to have what I have – true love of the kind you never question. And instead she’s getting caught up in the idea that now is the right time for marriage in her life, and the self-justifying rationalization that if she’s been with him for this long she must really love him. She’s never asked me what I think about any of this, so I have never talked to her about it. So I need to get this out, so that I can cry and get over my disappointment, and then be a good sister and be happy for her in as sincere a way as I can. Please don’t think I’m the worst person in the world for not being happy for my sister. I want to be. That’s why I’m trying to get this out in anonymous blog land so that I can call her and rejoice appropriately. But it’s too much emotionally, on a day when I was already having a hard time being patient with myself and with my mother-in-law, and with my absent sister-in-law who decided that attending Christmas eve with her whole extended family and her mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer, was too much effort because the 4 hour drive would inconvenience her new husband, breaking the 30 year tradition. It’s all too much. But I’m a big person and I can grow bigger. Today. Because that’s what you do when you love your family. But what I really need is a hug and a good cry.

In other news

I puked for the first time today. I'm trying to remind myself that this is another tiny reduction in the miscarriage risk, since apparently women who puke miscarry slightly less than women who are only nauseated. So let's call it a good thing. It could have been a lot worse, but I hate puking, and it makes me feel really insecure feeling like it could happen again at any moment. I've been more emotional today than usual, and I don't know if it's a hormone surge that's causing both symptoms, or whether my emotions are just frayed from being afraid of vomiting again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, because it's my husband's office holiday party.

Speaking of my husband, he told four people today. More than ever before. The sweetest story was when he told a coworker who has a one-year-old. They had also struggled for years (3 I think) to conceive. Lots of therapy. And basically they ended up getting pregnant while waiting to start IVF. I don't think they were very open about their struggle, but when my husband mentioned that we were having trouble while they were on a business trip, his coworker told him about how hard it was for him and his wife. It's made me feel closer to them from afar ever since, and it was just so nice for my husband to be able to finally give this friend the good news. Apparently he barely got into the office and said "so can you keep a secret for a couple of weeks?" and the friend immediately knew what he was talking about and jumped up and hugged him and told him how happy he is for us. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

Finally, I'm struck by how different my work is from my husband's. My current boss has never had a trainee get pregnant before. None of the women in the lab have kids. So I'm continually expecting this news to hurt my career, and spend a lot of time thinking about how to show I'm still serious. I'm always surprised at how well people take it, no matter how many people I tell (10 so far? more?). In contrast, my husband works at a school where it seems like everyone is having kids all the time. They always have people on maternity leave, and his officemate has helped put together nanny-share arrangements for various people who work there. I think his life is a lot more normal than mine. But then again, when we were frustrated TTC, I could escape to work and throw myself into it without having constant reminders, and he had to go to work every day with happy pregnant people. Luckily, he's way better adjusted than I am : ) Still, I think this could be a great new advertising idea for lab science to draw in the frustrated infertiles.... "Biology: an escape from procreation" Catchy, right?

Long time away

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Basically, I feel like crap, and I feel like an ungrateful jerk complaining about feeling like crap. My sense of smell is in miserable overdrive, I feel nauseated most of the time, and I'm completely exhausted. As a result, I have accomplished almost nothing in the last 2 weeks. My paper STILL isn't submitted, and it's entirely my own laziness. But hopefully I'll get better. I'm trying to remind myself that this period doesn't last forever.

I made an appointment with an OB who was highly recommended both by my fertility doctor and by two coworkers. It seemed like it would be worth it to have such an awesome doctor, even though the wait for a new patient appointment is weeks and weeks. So I have to be patient about getting to see the kid again. It's really hard, because obviously my anecdotal experience with other people's blogs is that miscarriage is a major threat. So given my way, I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure things are going as planned. But I'm trying to remind myself that what will be will be, and that my symptoms are continual reminders that the baby is doing what it's doing : ) Luckily, the last picture we got (at 8 weeks 3 days) is pretty awesome:


(heartbeat was 170bpm)


If you're reading this, I hope you're well. I really appreciate this community, and I promise to be more in touch in the coming days and weeks.

Symptoms

I'm having a hard time, so this is going to be me getting it all out, so that I can see it more clearly. First off, I've been really emotional for the last couple of days, so I need to focus on the fact that this is a good sign - it's just a symptom, and all symptoms are signs that I'm actually pregnant. Even though this symptom makes me weep uncontrollably, and makes me cry when my parents and mother-in-law call to share their excitement.

My breasts have been really sore, even though I don't think they're any bigger. I haven't thrown up, but I do feel slightly nauseated a lot of the time. In the last couple of days that's made me feel like eating only carbs. Even though I'm terrified of getting gestational diabetes and hurting the baby, I'm trying to remind myself that at this moment the baby doesn't need much in the way of extra nutrition (keeping up with the multivitamin and fish oil supplements). Eating a little bit several times a day helps with the nausea, so I think it's probably morning sickness. I've also been completely exhausted, and having a hard time sleeping through the night. I think it's probably that I need to pee and that makes me sleep lighter, which makes me more sensitive to my husband snoring. So again, I need to recast this issue as a symptom, and therefore positive.

It's worth mentioning also that I suck at being sick. Seriously - even relatively minor ailments make me emotional and lazy. I frequently cry out of frustration when I'm sick because I hate feeling out of control so much. So even though I am trying to remember that these symptoms are a good thing, I'm also having a hard time dealing. Normally I just wait it out when I feel bad, but in this case, that comfort doesn't exist: it's going to get worse rather than better, and it's not going to stop for months. And that's a good thing, but it's also hard for me to deal with when I'm already having mood swings. Human beings are magical, and we can adjust to almost anything. So I'm going to be able to feel like myself again. This won't last forever, and I need to be gentle with myself that I'm not superwoman.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying about miscarriage. So many other people have dealt with this, and it seems foolhardy to think I'll get a miracle when the odds are so high. But I'm trying to remind myself that my betas were good, and I did another home pregnancy test today and realized I'm an idiot: when I took the first one, I saw that the line was pretty faint, so I thought today I would feel better seeing it go up. It was only after reading this one that I realized I had the lines reversed - the other one was super dark. Luckily, today's was too. But that was after I had a heart attack over the fact that the line was really faint. The CONTROL line was really faint. Some lab scientist I am : )

All of which brings me to the topic that will make me feel insanely guilty. Please stop reading now, all of you. I need to write it down, but it's just going to make you all hate me. So please, just stop here. My inability to work this week has made my ambition-related anxiety go into hyperdrive. I'm incredibly ambitious, and I love being good at science. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I also want to be a good scientist. During the years that we've been struggling to have a baby, I have funneled lots of my energy into work. I became a slightly frightening work-a-holic as a way to deal with the complete lack of control that infertility continually rubs your nose in. But by now, that approach is a complete habit for me (one I like). So much so that I feel terrible that I'm not being more productive in the last week as I adjust to being pregnant. I should be writing this paper, but I'm exhausted and nauseated, so instead I work way less than I used to. I'm realizing that I need to recalibrate my expectations. When I started doing this job, I had a totally reasonable balance of 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. If I was focused and productive during those hours I could get a lot done. In the last few years that has increased, so that now I feel guilty if I work less than 12 hours. Which is every day recently, and I'm feeling like I'm losing an important part of myself. I need to focus on recalibrating, and I also need to get into a new habit for writing. Before, I would go to the coffee shop and a decaf would help me focus. I need to get back in that habit but without the caffeine. I also need to get back on track with my writing buddy, who I've been avoiding because I can't handle telling her I'm pregnant. But I need to bite the bullet, and get back on track so that I can get a handle on this anxiety. Which now I feel like I can do.

In case you're still reading, here's the final, slightly hilarious symptom: I can't stand things being messy, dirty or disorganized. In general, I'm a totally messy person, and my husband does most of the housework. But in the last week I've done a lot of cleaning, because it makes me anxious to have things out of place. Our house isn't especially neat or clean right now, but I'm noticing, and that's a new thing. Pregnancy OCD. I wonder if that's a thing.

Week 5

The stick was a good idea, and both moms were over the moon. So that made it seem more real. But now it's fading again. I think it's mostly because my husband processes things deep in his brain (the emotional stuff at least), so he doesn't bring it up, and he's the main person I talk to outside of work.

The third beta was 2081, which they count as appropriate doubling even though by my count it's not quite (for 3 days later). So we scheduled the ultrasound for Friday, and hopefully that will make me more confident about the whole thing. I really need to tell people, because a) it doesn't feel real if it's a secret from everyone around me, b) I think about miscarriage a lot by myself and other people are too ignorant to be worried about that so they focus me on the happy part, and c) I feel like I'm lying by hiding this from important people. But the things that hold me back are a) I feel like I should tell my siblings before I tell other people (even though I feel like I'd rather practice on friends first), and b) I know if I miscarry I'm not going to want to have to tell almost anyone.

So at the moment my plan is to tell one close friend before Friday, and then tell my siblings over the weekend if the ultrasound goes well. I know it's stupid to be scared of telling them, but I really am. I'm the oldest, and this will change a lot about the family dynamic (or at least they will be worried it will). None of them have any experience with this area, and none of them has a very good filter, so I'm really worried they'll say something that will crush me without really meaning to. I know that's stupid, but it's there and so I need to get it out.

In other news, I've been exhausted and very slightly nauseated all week. I've been so tired that I have no idea how there are people who don't notice they're pregnant. Week 5, and I can't function at all like normal. Which sucks because I'm insanely anxious about work, and not getting it done makes me wake up early from anxiety, which means less sleep, which makes me more tired, which continues the cycle. So I'm trying to do some very basic easy yoga, to make me feel a little more physically competent. And I keep reminding myself that I'm accomplishing something at all times by growing a human being. And most importantly, that as long as I finish my PhD before the kid is born, it's really not going to matter that I couldn't finish by the end of 2010. It just means I need to tell my advisors way earlier than I otherwise would, since that's why I'm asking for an extension.

It's all going to be ok. Cleaning is surprisingly soothing right now, so I'm going to go do that. Thanks for listening to my anxiety-fueled ramblings.

Hormonal hilarity

The update today is I'm still quick to cry, and I still want to laugh at myself for being so hormonal every time it happens. New thing that makes me cry: The West Wing. I give it one day until I'm crying at commercials.

Worst movie to watch while on fertility meds

I'm going to go with Juno (which I am dumb enough to be watching on TV).

Identifying with Jennifer Garner is not an ok thing in my world, and seeing the desperation on her face during their first meeting with Juno felt so familiar that I cried. Yup, two days into round 2 of Clomid and I'm that person. Crying during random scenes of Juno.