Symptoms

I'm having a hard time, so this is going to be me getting it all out, so that I can see it more clearly. First off, I've been really emotional for the last couple of days, so I need to focus on the fact that this is a good sign - it's just a symptom, and all symptoms are signs that I'm actually pregnant. Even though this symptom makes me weep uncontrollably, and makes me cry when my parents and mother-in-law call to share their excitement.

My breasts have been really sore, even though I don't think they're any bigger. I haven't thrown up, but I do feel slightly nauseated a lot of the time. In the last couple of days that's made me feel like eating only carbs. Even though I'm terrified of getting gestational diabetes and hurting the baby, I'm trying to remind myself that at this moment the baby doesn't need much in the way of extra nutrition (keeping up with the multivitamin and fish oil supplements). Eating a little bit several times a day helps with the nausea, so I think it's probably morning sickness. I've also been completely exhausted, and having a hard time sleeping through the night. I think it's probably that I need to pee and that makes me sleep lighter, which makes me more sensitive to my husband snoring. So again, I need to recast this issue as a symptom, and therefore positive.

It's worth mentioning also that I suck at being sick. Seriously - even relatively minor ailments make me emotional and lazy. I frequently cry out of frustration when I'm sick because I hate feeling out of control so much. So even though I am trying to remember that these symptoms are a good thing, I'm also having a hard time dealing. Normally I just wait it out when I feel bad, but in this case, that comfort doesn't exist: it's going to get worse rather than better, and it's not going to stop for months. And that's a good thing, but it's also hard for me to deal with when I'm already having mood swings. Human beings are magical, and we can adjust to almost anything. So I'm going to be able to feel like myself again. This won't last forever, and I need to be gentle with myself that I'm not superwoman.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying about miscarriage. So many other people have dealt with this, and it seems foolhardy to think I'll get a miracle when the odds are so high. But I'm trying to remind myself that my betas were good, and I did another home pregnancy test today and realized I'm an idiot: when I took the first one, I saw that the line was pretty faint, so I thought today I would feel better seeing it go up. It was only after reading this one that I realized I had the lines reversed - the other one was super dark. Luckily, today's was too. But that was after I had a heart attack over the fact that the line was really faint. The CONTROL line was really faint. Some lab scientist I am : )

All of which brings me to the topic that will make me feel insanely guilty. Please stop reading now, all of you. I need to write it down, but it's just going to make you all hate me. So please, just stop here. My inability to work this week has made my ambition-related anxiety go into hyperdrive. I'm incredibly ambitious, and I love being good at science. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I also want to be a good scientist. During the years that we've been struggling to have a baby, I have funneled lots of my energy into work. I became a slightly frightening work-a-holic as a way to deal with the complete lack of control that infertility continually rubs your nose in. But by now, that approach is a complete habit for me (one I like). So much so that I feel terrible that I'm not being more productive in the last week as I adjust to being pregnant. I should be writing this paper, but I'm exhausted and nauseated, so instead I work way less than I used to. I'm realizing that I need to recalibrate my expectations. When I started doing this job, I had a totally reasonable balance of 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. If I was focused and productive during those hours I could get a lot done. In the last few years that has increased, so that now I feel guilty if I work less than 12 hours. Which is every day recently, and I'm feeling like I'm losing an important part of myself. I need to focus on recalibrating, and I also need to get into a new habit for writing. Before, I would go to the coffee shop and a decaf would help me focus. I need to get back in that habit but without the caffeine. I also need to get back on track with my writing buddy, who I've been avoiding because I can't handle telling her I'm pregnant. But I need to bite the bullet, and get back on track so that I can get a handle on this anxiety. Which now I feel like I can do.

In case you're still reading, here's the final, slightly hilarious symptom: I can't stand things being messy, dirty or disorganized. In general, I'm a totally messy person, and my husband does most of the housework. But in the last week I've done a lot of cleaning, because it makes me anxious to have things out of place. Our house isn't especially neat or clean right now, but I'm noticing, and that's a new thing. Pregnancy OCD. I wonder if that's a thing.