Thursday, November 4, 2010


There are too many things I want to say at once. In the end, I'm only trying to write this entry because I think I'll want to remember how I feel today, before it's overshadowed by how I'll feel tomorrow or the day after that.

I'm pregnant. At least for now. And the stupid thing is that I feel like I should apologize to anyone reading this, because your infertility journey has probably been so much worse than mine, and I hate feeling like I'm going to cause someone pain by writing this. But I am, and I'm so unbelievably a jumble of emotions.

It doesn't feel real, although I'm hoping that the repeat beta test tomorrow will make me feel like it's ok to believe it. I'm also going to buy a pregnancy test on the way home tomorrow, so that I can pee on a stick and know for sure they didn't mix up the samples, and maybe holding it in my hand will make it seem true. This can't happen to me. IUI? But it's so simple. We started this cycle the day the doctor told us that IVF was probably our only shot. Can we really be getting what we've been dreaming about for so long? And how can I ever take on the responsibility of keeping safe, and growing this other human life? It's so overwhelming (and amazing - I oscillate continuously).

My husband didn't believe it either. Not really. I could tell it wasn't sinking in, even though his face in the first moment I told him was something I want to remember forever. And he held me while I cried out of happiness and sheer overwhelmedness. So many emotions. I need for him to come home tonight so that I can talk to someone about it again. I feel bad about it, but I lied point blank to my mom about it when she asked this afternoon, and told her the test is tomorrow. Because I am feeling so worried that it's not going to keep being true that I couldn't bear the idea of having to deal with her happiness today. So instead I get to tell her tomorrow, right? When there really is good news, and I won't have to snatch it right back.

My primary anxieties today are that the high HCG level (351!) either means multiples, or a molar pregnancy, and also that this happiness will only last for a few days or weeks and I'll miscarry. It has happened to so many other women, and it makes it almost impossible to believe that we'll actually get to hold onto this happiness. But at the same time, it's so insanely reassuring that our genetic material can combine at all, so I'm trying to hold onto that. I teased my husband that the fact that our first IUI worked means that the problem all along has been that his sperm weren't bright enough to get past my cervix.

The nurse called yesterday, and I asked her whether she was sure at least twice. I was so surprised. They always say they have bad news. Never good news! We have a whole routine. And yet she did. And they didn't call back all afternoon to say it was a mix-up.

I'm reassured by the fact that there are actual symptoms. Not definitive, obviously, but it explains a lot, in retrospect. I was exhausted all weekend, and the weekend before I slept for an entire day. I've had a variety of other health issues in the last couple of weeks, and they all show up on a list of early pregnancy symptoms. So maybe it's true. Maybe this will actually be the start of an amazing amazing adventure. And not the start of a dark period in my life. For tonight, I'm going to try to focus on the idea of a baby (or babies) next summer. Perfect timing for my teacher husband (and for me, assuming I can work successfully while pregnant). The timing he would have chosen two years ago (a year earlier, obviously) if I hadn't told him firmly that fertility isn't predictable, and that we were not stupid enough to try to time anything. Can we really be this lucky?

I think that's most of it. Maybe my life really did change in an instant. Just like every other part of this experience, it's very Schroedinger's Cat - I won't know whether my life changed yesterday until further down the line. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe....

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations!!! The guilty feeling is normal but totally unnecessary. Hoping that your second beta is awesome.