IUI = super easy

Just an update to say that the IUI went well. It was shockingly fast, no cramping, and with a very perky doctor I had never met. The longest part of the whole thing was verifying the identifying information. Am I a freak if I say that I figure they have a way stronger motivation to make sure they don't mix up the sperm samples than I do? I mean, either way I get a baby, but they get the universe's worst publicity. So I checked with them, but I wasn't especially stressed.

Since then, I've been anxious, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through the wait until the 3rd. But I have a ton of stuff going on at work between now and then, so that's nice and consuming. My boss was really excited about my work today, so hopefully I can keep it up. I think I've done better work in the last year than I ever have or will again. I almost feel like I should confess to my coworkers that the only reason I'm so motivated and hardcore about work is because I'm failing so thoroughly at making a baby. I love that I have something to throw myself into, but I hate that I have to. Hopefully that part will change, and I can throw myself into getting my work done before I go on maternity leave : )

IUI ay ay ay

I haven't posted much during this cycle because it's been so lame. Appointments every two days, and no follicles growing. (Sidenote: most frustrating thing about them not growing is the ultrasound tech who keeps chirping "they're growing" even though they're the same size every time.)

On Friday, I saw my doctor outside his office for the first time, and he seemed completely mystified about why I'm not responding to the Clomid at all. He said I should come back today, but that if I don't respond we'll probably need to give up on this cycle.

Today the ultrasound tech didn't let me watch the screen, give me a printout, or say anything to me, and from what I could see on the computer, nothing had grown. So I assumed this cycle was a bust. But actually, they told me to trigger tonight and we're scheduled for IUI tomorrow. So I'm trying to be positive but not gets my hopes up.

Please send positive thoughts and prayers my way, even though I can't believe that there's any chance this is going to work. The mature-ish follicles are on the right side (where the endometrioma is), so I think this attempt is doomed, but pray for me anyway, because it's going to be impossible for me not to hope.

Guess who I ran into at the fertility clinic?

Talk about your awkward moments. I ran into a friend who I'm going to start working with in January. She's great, but I haven't told her that we've been trying (and failing) because a) she's a colleague, and b) she can't keep a secret at all. So I figured we would both be happier saving this discussion until I was pregnant or on an adoption list.

Until today. I was headed in, and she and her husband were headed out. I had this moment of mutual recognition where I thought, "Oh this is so nice. She's going through this too, and how nice that they're trying for kids." She asked me what I was doing there, and I said "I'm a patient here." But it turns out she's not a patient - she's an egg donor. So it's not as happy a discovery anymore. And the conversation was way more awkward because her husband was there too. Although he was really nice about the whole thing, and he has a kid from his first marriage, so he's not a stranger to these things.

I'm trying to focus on the upsides: she can reassure me about the IVF drugs and needles, and we can help each other out with big injections if necessary. And because they're not going through IF, they have the energy and positivity to wish me luck on the IUI tomorrow and not know how unlikely that seems. So it's kind of nice to be buoyed by some kindhearted fertile people. And I'll just try not to think about the fact that it couldn't be a starker comparison that this coworker is the picture of fertility and I'm the picture of not. She wins, but if I get to have a baby, I definitely win too. And it's nice that I'll be able to be open about it at work when we start IVF - my future boss and loudest future coworker both know now, so there are only two other people to find out. Hopefully I can get through tomorrow without my current boss or coworkers finding out about the IUI. And I can keep from considering (too much) what happens to my career and my dignity if/when this (very lovely very fun) future coworker gets drunk at a conference and tells people in my field that I'm infertile : )

So it's going to be one of those cycles

That's what I thought this morning when I found out that my biggest follicle is only 12.5 mm at day 12. My second TI cycle was also really drawn out - I had to go in every two days for over a week for monitoring. It doesn't make me at all hopeful for this cycle, but that's probably a good thing since we said we'd treat all these cycles before IVF as bonuses we don't expect to work. Still, the idea of going back over and over again to be told that my body isn't responding the way it should isn't at all appealing. The good news is, today is our anniversary and because we're not doing an IUI tomorrow morning, we can have sex tonight. So I'm going to focus on that happy thought.

But now we have a plan

Through my tears on Friday, I managed to make an appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. We got insanely lucky and got a meeting with him today, even though he's technically booked through next month. I also managed to get in touch with the insurance coordinator, who told me that we get unlimited IUI and TI cycles. If it's still true that we get 3 IVF cycles then we really really really can't complain about our coverage!

The meeting today went well, although there was something of a bombshell at the beginning. The doctor thinks that the cyst that has been on my right ovary for months now is an endometrioma, and is negatively affecting my fertility in addition to the PCOS. The options are to remove it (requiring surgery, possibly damaging the ovary, and potentially allowing it to come back there or elsewhere) or to do IVF (requiring IVF). Given that I don't have any symptoms from it, it's not growing so far, and removing it probably won't boost my fertility dramatically, we made a plan to start IVF this summer (or sooner if my work will allow it). That means we have 8 months in which to continue with TI, IUI, and potentially add FSH to stimulate more eggs. So we started a new cycle, the first cycle of IUI (!!) today on day 4, and I'm starting clomid tonight. November and December we have to take off, since we'll be traveling, but it feels good not to be missing this cycle.

So, overall, we're feeling good and purposeful. But I dread all of the medical crap ahead of me. We'll find out whether it makes me feel any better that now my husband is involved with the medical side of this (and more intimately, since he has to give a sperm sample each time). Wish us luck!

New Year

I want to put something down so that this moment is recorded, just because it seems like it's worth keeping track of the process. Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. It was much better than expected. I find that I have been able to get over my anger at God. I'm still sad, and I don't necessarily feel the "everything happens for a reason" part, but I am so much better than I was last year at this time. I shook all the way through temple, whereas this time I felt like my heart was cleansed, just like I usually do. I'm so grateful for that feeling - for God forgiving me for my lack of faith with him. "Turn to him and he will return." The new year is a hard one because both Torah passages are focused on barren women whose husbands still love them and who God helps to conceive. After a day's reflection, I feel like it's there to tell me that I'm not alone in this. My foremothers also knew this pain, and God remembered them. It only just occurred to me that the daughter who my family friends adopted (their first child) is named Hannah. It seems likely that she's named after the woman in the bible who said about her son, "I have asked him of the Lord." So I'm grateful that I feel more at peace and more like I'm part of God's plan. But I'm also still emotional and sad that I think I have to give up on having my own biological children.

Right. So I kind of forgot the key part of the equation. The way that this Clomid cycle worked out, the first day of Rosh Hashana was the day of timed intercourse. So we needed to have sex before going to temple, and then try again that night. Conceiving a baby on your way to synagogue. It's an incredible way to start the new year if it works (and believe me, if it does, this child will be dedicated to the Lord in every way I can find, given that they are going to be whoever they are going to be). But if it doesn't, it seems like the most painful way to begin the new year: with hope that turns out to be unwarranted. So I'm spending today, the second day of Rosh Hashana, researching adoption and trying not to feel disappointed that I don't feel pregnant, nor hopeful that I might be.

Shana Tova

Good news

So despite my negative feelings going in, there are actually follicles maturing, and 4 had grown to reasonable size today. None is big enough to trigger yet, but this gives major hope that they will in a day or two. At the moment the biggest one is 15 mm. Yay! Such good news. I'm still waiting for a call to let me know what the plan is and when to come back for further monitoring, but I'm feeling much more hopeful and less defective. Just in case this is due to the fact that I exercised on Tuesday, I'm going to make sure I get some more exercise. Can't be a bad thing, right?

Update

For reasons unknown, the Clomid didn't appear to work this cycle. Unlike last cycle, when I responded beautifully, with an estrogen level of ~800 at day 12 and three good-sized follicles, this time around I have lots of small follicles and estrogen at day 11 and day 13 in the 120-160 range. My doctor wants to wait 3 more days to see if anything changes (he thinks the chances are 50-50) and then maybe wants to do a higher dose of clomid. But he seems pretty thrown by not having a clue why it worked last time and not at all this time. I need to check and make sure that I didn't break some cardinal rule of clomid-dom, but otherwise I'm pretty thrown, too. So that sucks. Wish me luck on Thursday.

Adoption looks good today

So first, the update. Went in yesterday for Day 11 ultrasound, and they said I was nowhere near ready (biggest follicles at 12, need to be 18). So they sent me home and I'm supposed to go back tomorrow to check again. The doctor seemed unconcerned (not my doctor, but the first one I've seen at one of these appointments) and said that it can take up to 20 days to respond to the clomid. However, I'm still a worrier, and the fact that the nurse said last time that you usually respond the same way to clomid every time means that I'm anxious. Hopefully things will go well tomorrow.

I saw a bunch of cute kids today, and that made adopting an infant seem like a good option. I need to consult a rabbi to figure out how the whole Judaism thing works with adoption.

Where we're at now

I was diagnosed by our fertility doctor with PCOS in April. Did one round of clomid with trigger that didn't work, and then took a month off because I was traveling at the wrong time. We had to skip that month, but honestly it was a relief since I needed some time to get over the sadness and fear. Just starting a new cycle (today is day 5), and trying not to be too negative about the stats (about a 30% chance of success at this point). I'd always thought we would adopt if this doesn't work, but now I'm considering IVF and feeling confused. We are insanely blessed in every other way, so I'm trying to keep some perspective through all of this. But I'm seeing myself way too much in Jennifer Garner's character in Juno, so I can't really claim to be succeeding in locating perspective.