Today marks 30 weeks, and I have a hard time believing it. The kid is so fun these days, moving around in all different ways. Some of them are uncomfortable as he gets stronger, and the hip pain when he hits the wrong spot is definitely the least pleasant part. But it’s pretty miraculous, and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of feeling him move.
We toured the maternity ward of the hospital this weekend, and although I was kind of overwhelmed, it all seems good and I definitely feel reassured that almost all of their policies are ideal for what we want. I’m still trying to figure out whether it’s realistic to have my mom there when I give birth, and also whether there’s a way to make that happen without hurting my mother-in-law’s feelings. We still need to find a pediatrician and get a will written, but I’m feeling on top of those projects.
The baby shower is rolling along, and will be in a few weeks. I’m nervous for that – I’ve never had a shower before, and I’ve only been to one bridal shower in my whole life. Never a baby shower. But I’m trying to ignore the fear and just be happy about getting to celebrate with our family and friends. If anyone has been to a baby shower and has an idea about a good favor, that part is totally up in the air right now. Ideas would be much appreciated!
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned the apple thing here before, but the kid seems to have a definite reaction whenever I eat apples. He goes crazy moving every which way. I’ve never been able to figure out whether that means he loves apples or hates apples. But it’s clearly a strong reaction. It only recently occurred to me that at some point he’ll start eating solid food and we can test out what he thinks of apples. I’m really looking forward to that! And it’s hilarious, because for Passover I made some charoset (which mostly consists of chopped up apples). I don’t think of it as “apple” because it’s all mixed up with other flavors, but half an hour after I ate a whole bunch of it the kid went nuts and it took me a little while to figure out why he was SO energetic : ) It’s one of the few things about his “personality” that we’ve already gotten to see, and I love it.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I hate that I am obsessing about this
Prepare yourself for the lamest, first-world, fertile “problem” ever. I want to buy a $1000 chair. The bottom line on it is that although I could buy a used Dutailier glider for basically nothing, I hate how they look and haven’t found one that’s particularly comfortable. Nothing I could imagine choosing over my couch when it comes time to breastfeed my kid(s). I only like the look of the fully upholstered ones, but the swivel bases make me seasick. So the top of the line Dutailier upholstered recliner ones (which are insanely, absurdly comfy) are basically the only thing that’s appealing.
But in general, spending $1000 on a chair is not in line with my financial values. So I have spent ages on Craigslist and ebay trying to find what I want at a reduced price ($1000 is the super sale price for a new one). It just doesn’t exist. These particular chairs haven’t been out for very long, and no one who has one sells it to a stranger. So it’s basically between getting a super cheap used glider that is totally functional, but not as comfortable and not really what I want, to use just until the kid (or the last one assuming we have more) is a little older, or getting the ridiculously spiffy one and keeping it forever as a recliner once it moves out of the baby’s room. Potentially relevant to the time frame is the fact that we plan to have more kids, and that my husband loves the spiffy chair and would totally use it as a reading chair for the rest of our lives.
It is essential to mention here that we don’t really buy furniture, and we certainly don’t buy nice furniture. We don’t own a home, and may not be in this area long term, so having to move nice furniture is just silly for us, and since it’s hard to imagine what we will need in the future it never feels like a good investment to me. However, those arguments don’t really apply to this chair, so it’s not like I couldn’t make an exception to my self-imposed cheap/free furniture rule. Everything in our house at the moment is a hand-me-down (good stuff) or from the lower end of Ikea, with the exception of our mattress. I have never thought twice about spending $1200 on our mattress because it brings us so much joy. I know this approach to furniture is slightly bizarre, but it works for us on the whole.
I had been intending to buy a new (high quality) twin mattress for the baby’s room that I could sleep on when he’s really little and needs a lot during the night, and then it would become a guest bed when we move into a bigger place. I had expected to spend around $750 on this, or maybe a little bit more. This is instead of buying a bassinet for our room, which won’t necessarily fit, and will allow us instead to have one person sleep through the night and the other be up with the baby. But I figured that if it was hard to find a used glider I want but easy to find a good used mattress, maybe that was the better way to go. Yesterday we picked up a totally fine mattress from a woman on freecycle (no bedbugs – don’t worry). And on Friday we’re hoping to get another one and a box spring and frame. So we can choose the better of the two mattresses, and then we’ll be all set for that major piece of “nursery” furniture.
So on the whole we’re really not spending much on baby stuff (again, depending on your perspective). We’re incredibly lucky to have lots of family who want to give us the things we need, and we just don’t need that much. So far the plan is Ikea crib, ikea or craigslist dresser, and a chicco carseat. We won a stroller in an online contest, so although I anticipate that we may eventually need to buy a cheap, light one to complete our stroller needs, we should be covered for as long as we want to be.
All of this is to justify that most of the bigger purchases aren’t going to cost us a lot of money. Enter the emotional component of this story, which is why it’s an obsession at all.
We saw the glider and wanted it, but couldn’t really feel like we could justify spending that much money on a chair rather than on the nanny or a college fund or retirement, etc. For the record, my husband is willing to go either way on this, and I’m sure would be happy with either choice. I was leaning towards the “cheap short-term used” route when I went to visit my parents a few weeks ago. I mentioned the conundrum, and they were definitely shocked that I would consider spending that much money on a chair. I’m usually the cheap one, and they had never even heard of these kinds of gliders and couldn’t believe anyone would spend money like that on baby furniture. But last weekend my mom came to visit and we took her baby shopping to get her advice on a bunch of other stuff. While there, we had her check out the chair, and she was immediately convinced that the chair was worth it. She talked me into buying it by pointing out how much we were economizing on everything else, and even helped us pick a color and stuff. Since my parents had offered to buy us a stroller before we won the contest one, she said they would chip in for this instead, and my father-in-law had already given us $200 for a stroller that we could put toward this too. We didn’t buy the chair on the spot because I’m cautious like that, but it made me feel much more comfortable doing what I wanted to.
I’ve been feeling really good for a couple of days about this decision and got to work finding the mattress on craigslist to make myself feel even better about the choice. But this morning my mom called to tell me that my cousin has a glider I can have for free (but have to transport from New York), and that my aunt thinks it’s stupid to buy a new one when we’re only going to use it for a few months. I see that perspective (I’ve HAD that perspective), but it threw me that suddenly the roles were reversed and now I was talking my mom into the idea that I should buy it. It’s worth mentioning here that for the last 4-5 days I’ve been crazy hormonal (like, clomid bad!) so anything approaching other people disapproving of me has the ability to send me into a tailspin. I just can’t handle the idea that my mom, or my aunt, or my cousin would think I’m doing the wrong thing about this “big” decision. I know that sounds absurd, but I’m a lot better at standing my ground when the decision actually matters than in stupid stuff like this. My aunt is pretty judgmental, and definitely has no compunctions about saying what’s on her mind, so in my current hormonal state I just can’t handle a conversation about how she thinks I’m doing the wrong thing. Hopefully it won’t come up, but I’m just overwhelmed thinking about how I can possibly defend my decision to spend so much money just because I want to. So at the moment the emotional parts of my brain are at war with each other over a very childish “but I really want it” and a similarly childish “but I don’t want anyone to yell at me.” Neither of which should really be the basis for the decision.
Ok, rant over. What do you think I should do? On the one hand, splurging on something that’s going to make me happy seems like a reasonable thing to do in the context of good overall financial decisions. On the other hand, I can’t tell if this is just too much of a splurge and goes beyond the bounds of a reasonable financial decision.
But in general, spending $1000 on a chair is not in line with my financial values. So I have spent ages on Craigslist and ebay trying to find what I want at a reduced price ($1000 is the super sale price for a new one). It just doesn’t exist. These particular chairs haven’t been out for very long, and no one who has one sells it to a stranger. So it’s basically between getting a super cheap used glider that is totally functional, but not as comfortable and not really what I want, to use just until the kid (or the last one assuming we have more) is a little older, or getting the ridiculously spiffy one and keeping it forever as a recliner once it moves out of the baby’s room. Potentially relevant to the time frame is the fact that we plan to have more kids, and that my husband loves the spiffy chair and would totally use it as a reading chair for the rest of our lives.
It is essential to mention here that we don’t really buy furniture, and we certainly don’t buy nice furniture. We don’t own a home, and may not be in this area long term, so having to move nice furniture is just silly for us, and since it’s hard to imagine what we will need in the future it never feels like a good investment to me. However, those arguments don’t really apply to this chair, so it’s not like I couldn’t make an exception to my self-imposed cheap/free furniture rule. Everything in our house at the moment is a hand-me-down (good stuff) or from the lower end of Ikea, with the exception of our mattress. I have never thought twice about spending $1200 on our mattress because it brings us so much joy. I know this approach to furniture is slightly bizarre, but it works for us on the whole.
I had been intending to buy a new (high quality) twin mattress for the baby’s room that I could sleep on when he’s really little and needs a lot during the night, and then it would become a guest bed when we move into a bigger place. I had expected to spend around $750 on this, or maybe a little bit more. This is instead of buying a bassinet for our room, which won’t necessarily fit, and will allow us instead to have one person sleep through the night and the other be up with the baby. But I figured that if it was hard to find a used glider I want but easy to find a good used mattress, maybe that was the better way to go. Yesterday we picked up a totally fine mattress from a woman on freecycle (no bedbugs – don’t worry). And on Friday we’re hoping to get another one and a box spring and frame. So we can choose the better of the two mattresses, and then we’ll be all set for that major piece of “nursery” furniture.
So on the whole we’re really not spending much on baby stuff (again, depending on your perspective). We’re incredibly lucky to have lots of family who want to give us the things we need, and we just don’t need that much. So far the plan is Ikea crib, ikea or craigslist dresser, and a chicco carseat. We won a stroller in an online contest, so although I anticipate that we may eventually need to buy a cheap, light one to complete our stroller needs, we should be covered for as long as we want to be.
All of this is to justify that most of the bigger purchases aren’t going to cost us a lot of money. Enter the emotional component of this story, which is why it’s an obsession at all.
We saw the glider and wanted it, but couldn’t really feel like we could justify spending that much money on a chair rather than on the nanny or a college fund or retirement, etc. For the record, my husband is willing to go either way on this, and I’m sure would be happy with either choice. I was leaning towards the “cheap short-term used” route when I went to visit my parents a few weeks ago. I mentioned the conundrum, and they were definitely shocked that I would consider spending that much money on a chair. I’m usually the cheap one, and they had never even heard of these kinds of gliders and couldn’t believe anyone would spend money like that on baby furniture. But last weekend my mom came to visit and we took her baby shopping to get her advice on a bunch of other stuff. While there, we had her check out the chair, and she was immediately convinced that the chair was worth it. She talked me into buying it by pointing out how much we were economizing on everything else, and even helped us pick a color and stuff. Since my parents had offered to buy us a stroller before we won the contest one, she said they would chip in for this instead, and my father-in-law had already given us $200 for a stroller that we could put toward this too. We didn’t buy the chair on the spot because I’m cautious like that, but it made me feel much more comfortable doing what I wanted to.
I’ve been feeling really good for a couple of days about this decision and got to work finding the mattress on craigslist to make myself feel even better about the choice. But this morning my mom called to tell me that my cousin has a glider I can have for free (but have to transport from New York), and that my aunt thinks it’s stupid to buy a new one when we’re only going to use it for a few months. I see that perspective (I’ve HAD that perspective), but it threw me that suddenly the roles were reversed and now I was talking my mom into the idea that I should buy it. It’s worth mentioning here that for the last 4-5 days I’ve been crazy hormonal (like, clomid bad!) so anything approaching other people disapproving of me has the ability to send me into a tailspin. I just can’t handle the idea that my mom, or my aunt, or my cousin would think I’m doing the wrong thing about this “big” decision. I know that sounds absurd, but I’m a lot better at standing my ground when the decision actually matters than in stupid stuff like this. My aunt is pretty judgmental, and definitely has no compunctions about saying what’s on her mind, so in my current hormonal state I just can’t handle a conversation about how she thinks I’m doing the wrong thing. Hopefully it won’t come up, but I’m just overwhelmed thinking about how I can possibly defend my decision to spend so much money just because I want to. So at the moment the emotional parts of my brain are at war with each other over a very childish “but I really want it” and a similarly childish “but I don’t want anyone to yell at me.” Neither of which should really be the basis for the decision.
Ok, rant over. What do you think I should do? On the one hand, splurging on something that’s going to make me happy seems like a reasonable thing to do in the context of good overall financial decisions. On the other hand, I can’t tell if this is just too much of a splurge and goes beyond the bounds of a reasonable financial decision.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Notes
Just some notes so I can remember this period in my life:
Trying to be productive but not psycho so that the baby can have a PhD-wielding mommy but limited intrauterine adrenaline. It's looking like my thesis defense will be a videoconference!
Headed to the Pacific Northwest for 2 weeks (work and vacation). Nervous about comfort while traveling, but hoping it's a good time.
We got life insurance, which makes me insanely happy, but I'm still worried about the guardianship decision.
Had dinner with the couple we'll be sharing a nanny with. Nervous, but kind of psyched too.
Totally overwhelmed by the registry process, but feeling like I have a better handle on it. Just keep reminding myself that we can buy anything we need later. There's nothing that we will ever need that we can't afford to buy the kid ourselves.
Trying to figure out whether I can handle paying $1000 for a glider. Our mattress is the only piece of furniture we've ever spent that much on (or even close to that much) and I was pretty sure I was going to use the mattress forever. On the one hand it's pretty, comfy, and everyone says it's something worth spending money on. On the other hand, I can't figure out if it's in line with my values to spend $1000 on a chair when I could use that money to pay for college or travel. Or retirement.
Still can't handle vegetables at all. This is by far the most painful GI situation I've ever had.
Have been having trouble sleeping well for the first time since my husband started using breathe right strips. I may need to add a third pillow to my system.
The kid has been kicking a lot in the last few days. He never kicks hard when my husband is trying to feel him, but it's really fun being reminded that I have a companion in everything I do. Especially when I'm up at 4am.
I'm worried about being out of shape, since I've been feeling mediocre, the weather has been very cold, I've had terrible round ligament pain, and I feel like I'm supposed to be working all the time. Sometimes when I lie on my side my heart feels funny - like it's beating too hard. I worry about blood pressure, but it's usually in a fine range when I go to the doctor. Trying to figure out whether it's worth the money to join the gym for the pool just until our apartment's pool opens in May. I'm leaning towards yes. Walking sucks right now because of the round ligament pain, and I can't stand feeling so fragile.
Overall I'm pretty happy. We are so, so blessed.
Trying to be productive but not psycho so that the baby can have a PhD-wielding mommy but limited intrauterine adrenaline. It's looking like my thesis defense will be a videoconference!
Headed to the Pacific Northwest for 2 weeks (work and vacation). Nervous about comfort while traveling, but hoping it's a good time.
We got life insurance, which makes me insanely happy, but I'm still worried about the guardianship decision.
Had dinner with the couple we'll be sharing a nanny with. Nervous, but kind of psyched too.
Totally overwhelmed by the registry process, but feeling like I have a better handle on it. Just keep reminding myself that we can buy anything we need later. There's nothing that we will ever need that we can't afford to buy the kid ourselves.
Trying to figure out whether I can handle paying $1000 for a glider. Our mattress is the only piece of furniture we've ever spent that much on (or even close to that much) and I was pretty sure I was going to use the mattress forever. On the one hand it's pretty, comfy, and everyone says it's something worth spending money on. On the other hand, I can't figure out if it's in line with my values to spend $1000 on a chair when I could use that money to pay for college or travel. Or retirement.
Still can't handle vegetables at all. This is by far the most painful GI situation I've ever had.
Have been having trouble sleeping well for the first time since my husband started using breathe right strips. I may need to add a third pillow to my system.
The kid has been kicking a lot in the last few days. He never kicks hard when my husband is trying to feel him, but it's really fun being reminded that I have a companion in everything I do. Especially when I'm up at 4am.
I'm worried about being out of shape, since I've been feeling mediocre, the weather has been very cold, I've had terrible round ligament pain, and I feel like I'm supposed to be working all the time. Sometimes when I lie on my side my heart feels funny - like it's beating too hard. I worry about blood pressure, but it's usually in a fine range when I go to the doctor. Trying to figure out whether it's worth the money to join the gym for the pool just until our apartment's pool opens in May. I'm leaning towards yes. Walking sucks right now because of the round ligament pain, and I can't stand feeling so fragile.
Overall I'm pretty happy. We are so, so blessed.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's (going to be) a boy!
Isn't he cute?
Also, he's awesome because he refused (like the contrary kid I know he is) to get in the right position for them to do one of the heart flow measurements. No need to be worried about it, but for completeness they want to do that when we go back next. So we get another ultrasound! Yay! Go kid!
Naming ideas have begun in earnest now, and we have a short list, but I wonder how we'll choose among the top 3-4.
I can't wait to meet him. But I really need him to stay inside for another 18 weeks so that he can be healthy and strong, and so I can get all my work done before he arrives!
Also, he's awesome because he refused (like the contrary kid I know he is) to get in the right position for them to do one of the heart flow measurements. No need to be worried about it, but for completeness they want to do that when we go back next. So we get another ultrasound! Yay! Go kid!
Naming ideas have begun in earnest now, and we have a short list, but I wonder how we'll choose among the top 3-4.
I can't wait to meet him. But I really need him to stay inside for another 18 weeks so that he can be healthy and strong, and so I can get all my work done before he arrives!
My kid can kick
Several things:
He's getting stronger and stronger, which is really fun. Although it makes his kicking more distracting (like when I'm sleeping). I can't wait until my husband can feel it too.
We got life insurance! Yay! Now we can be confident that the guardians we chose will be able to take our kid in the unlikely event that something happens to us. This makes me much less anxious that our kid will somehow (through an absurd worst-case scenario) end up going to my sister-in-law and the evil guy she married.
I am extremely relieved that my husband and I are on the same page about keeping said evil relative away from our kid. The plan so far is that the kid spends no time with them away from us, and that although we won't avoid group family events, if the evil guy tries to spend time with our son one of us will always chaperone at all times. And we'll see if that can be avoided completely, because even if I'm there, there are certain things you can't will your child to unhear.
Work is going well, but I'm super time crunched. Trying to remain stress-free and focus on the fact that the baby needs me to be sane and won't care if my PhD got finished 6 months before his birth or 6 weeks before his birth. Trying to split the difference now.
I've been feeling mostly good, but round ligament pain seems to be really bad in the last few weeks. If I walk too fast or too much it becomes almost unbearable.
We need to register, which I hate. It was my least favorite thing about planning my wedding. But we've gotten some great advice from friends, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to just get it done and not worry too much. Hopefully lots of gift cards so we can buy the rest of what we need once we figure out what he likes and what would be handy.
Wow. I sound really happy. Which is awesome because I've been so overwhelmed with work this week as to be incapacitated. I can't imagine how it's all going to get done, so I just don't. But if I spend the next hour working, I'll feel a thousand times better, so here goes : )
He's getting stronger and stronger, which is really fun. Although it makes his kicking more distracting (like when I'm sleeping). I can't wait until my husband can feel it too.
We got life insurance! Yay! Now we can be confident that the guardians we chose will be able to take our kid in the unlikely event that something happens to us. This makes me much less anxious that our kid will somehow (through an absurd worst-case scenario) end up going to my sister-in-law and the evil guy she married.
I am extremely relieved that my husband and I are on the same page about keeping said evil relative away from our kid. The plan so far is that the kid spends no time with them away from us, and that although we won't avoid group family events, if the evil guy tries to spend time with our son one of us will always chaperone at all times. And we'll see if that can be avoided completely, because even if I'm there, there are certain things you can't will your child to unhear.
Work is going well, but I'm super time crunched. Trying to remain stress-free and focus on the fact that the baby needs me to be sane and won't care if my PhD got finished 6 months before his birth or 6 weeks before his birth. Trying to split the difference now.
I've been feeling mostly good, but round ligament pain seems to be really bad in the last few weeks. If I walk too fast or too much it becomes almost unbearable.
We need to register, which I hate. It was my least favorite thing about planning my wedding. But we've gotten some great advice from friends, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to just get it done and not worry too much. Hopefully lots of gift cards so we can buy the rest of what we need once we figure out what he likes and what would be handy.
Wow. I sound really happy. Which is awesome because I've been so overwhelmed with work this week as to be incapacitated. I can't imagine how it's all going to get done, so I just don't. But if I spend the next hour working, I'll feel a thousand times better, so here goes : )
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bellybutton
I've been feeling not-great about my appearance recently, since I think the 15-18 week period has been right in the "pregnant or fat?" grey area for me. I was already on the heavy side when I got pregnant thanks to the clomid and the misery of previous cycles, but gaining weight on top of that has been a little rough since I know in the early stages it's me and not the kid who's filling out. So I've been feeling a little down recently. Nothing bad, but I can't wait until the kid grows a little more so I can pass the grey area and be obviously pregnant. I'm going to be so cute with a serious bump!
Today I was sitting writing and I went to scratch my belly button. And lo and behold, it's not as deep as it used to be! I can't explain why that seems like such a great sign, but there's just something about it that clearly means "not fat." Hopefully the smile it induces will last me through the next few weeks until I really pop. I'm so excited for this baby that I'm really looking forward to anyone who looks at me being able to tell. Obviously I also dread the unsolicited touching that will go along with it, but I'm still really looking forward to that stage.
While I'm confessing to body image issues, it's worth pointing out that I haven't taken a belly pic yet. This is my public inducement to do so, since the "after" will be so much more dramatic if I take the "before" shot before the 20 week mark. I shudder to think about how I'll feel looking at it now, but the point is that someday I'll be glad I have a record of this period. So yell at me, ok? If I'm going to do it, I should really start now.
Today I was sitting writing and I went to scratch my belly button. And lo and behold, it's not as deep as it used to be! I can't explain why that seems like such a great sign, but there's just something about it that clearly means "not fat." Hopefully the smile it induces will last me through the next few weeks until I really pop. I'm so excited for this baby that I'm really looking forward to anyone who looks at me being able to tell. Obviously I also dread the unsolicited touching that will go along with it, but I'm still really looking forward to that stage.
While I'm confessing to body image issues, it's worth pointing out that I haven't taken a belly pic yet. This is my public inducement to do so, since the "after" will be so much more dramatic if I take the "before" shot before the 20 week mark. I shudder to think about how I'll feel looking at it now, but the point is that someday I'll be glad I have a record of this period. So yell at me, ok? If I'm going to do it, I should really start now.
Other worst response
I know I've been absent and I'm sorry. I'm desperately trying to write my PhD thesis in the next two weeks while also taking care of myself and not pushing through it when the baby sucks all of my energy out of me, so blogging seems like something I needed to temporarily cut out of my life. But I'm procrastinating at the instant, so I thought I would share the most hilarious response I got to my announcement that I'm pregnant.
I've mentioned before that I became something of a workaholic as a way to deal with the emotional pain of infertility. Although all of my coworkers also put in long hours, some of my past experiments (in 2009 when we were still trying unsuccessfully on our own) were especially notable, with me staying in the lab for over 20 hours straight and getting 3 hours of sleep before coming back to continue. So now you know what a psycho I am : ) It's worth pointing out that it was fueled solely by my own motivation, without coffee or any other caffeine. That period only lasted for a month, and I always took the weekends off to recover. Anyway....
Telling my coworkers became something of a spectacle, because almost everyone was around for it, and I have no experience with telling groups of more than 2. And it turned out that the secret hadn't leaked at all, which I had not expected based on my boss's gossipy ways and the fact that 4 other people in the lab knew as well. I had just assumed that word had gotten out. That was clearly foolish of me, so instead, when I brought out the ultrasound photos to show a coworker who already knew, the girl who sits behind me said, "who's pregnant?" When I said, "I am," the chain of "wait, who's pregnant?" spread quickly through all 10 members of the lab. This brought over a girl who I'm not as close to, late in the chain, and the first thing she said was, "I don't know how you had time for that when you're never home in the evenings." Really. That was her response to the good news. Who says that?? "I can't imagine when you have time to have sex." Really? I've decided not to judge her for the comment, since she was clearly taken by surprise, and I don't know what else goes through her mind when she hears this kind of announcement (she's in her mid thirties and isn't married).
The benefit of the comment was that it gave me the opportunity to mention the assisted reproduction aspect ("well actually, this baby was conceived in a doctor's office, so that wasn't really a problem"). I didn't go into all the details, because I assume that a group of people doesn't necessarily want to listen to my medical story, but I did get them laughing with the line about how a perky blond female doctor knocked me up, and I don't even remember her name. So it went well overall, but it was definitely an awkward moment.
So there's your long story for the day. Hopefully this rounds out my collection of bad responses.
I've mentioned before that I became something of a workaholic as a way to deal with the emotional pain of infertility. Although all of my coworkers also put in long hours, some of my past experiments (in 2009 when we were still trying unsuccessfully on our own) were especially notable, with me staying in the lab for over 20 hours straight and getting 3 hours of sleep before coming back to continue. So now you know what a psycho I am : ) It's worth pointing out that it was fueled solely by my own motivation, without coffee or any other caffeine. That period only lasted for a month, and I always took the weekends off to recover. Anyway....
Telling my coworkers became something of a spectacle, because almost everyone was around for it, and I have no experience with telling groups of more than 2. And it turned out that the secret hadn't leaked at all, which I had not expected based on my boss's gossipy ways and the fact that 4 other people in the lab knew as well. I had just assumed that word had gotten out. That was clearly foolish of me, so instead, when I brought out the ultrasound photos to show a coworker who already knew, the girl who sits behind me said, "who's pregnant?" When I said, "I am," the chain of "wait, who's pregnant?" spread quickly through all 10 members of the lab. This brought over a girl who I'm not as close to, late in the chain, and the first thing she said was, "I don't know how you had time for that when you're never home in the evenings." Really. That was her response to the good news. Who says that?? "I can't imagine when you have time to have sex." Really? I've decided not to judge her for the comment, since she was clearly taken by surprise, and I don't know what else goes through her mind when she hears this kind of announcement (she's in her mid thirties and isn't married).
The benefit of the comment was that it gave me the opportunity to mention the assisted reproduction aspect ("well actually, this baby was conceived in a doctor's office, so that wasn't really a problem"). I didn't go into all the details, because I assume that a group of people doesn't necessarily want to listen to my medical story, but I did get them laughing with the line about how a perky blond female doctor knocked me up, and I don't even remember her name. So it went well overall, but it was definitely an awkward moment.
So there's your long story for the day. Hopefully this rounds out my collection of bad responses.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Fear of Being Fertile
Obviously not in the literal sense, but I am feeling bad about something that happened today that made me feel like one of those fertiles. You know, the bitchy insensitive ones.... In general, I've tried to be really open about our difficulties in conceiving, because I know how isolated I have felt through this whole thing, and how big a difference the one person I know who talked publicly about going to an RE made in my life. But I've also stopped telling every single person the details of the IUI because it seems almost self-indulgent to say it people when they may not want the conversation to last that long. All of which is unnecessary lead-up to what happened today in a meeting I had.
I was meeting with a lovely woman I work with, with whom I get along really well. We don't know each other well, but I think we like each other as people as well as coworkers. I see her very infrequently because she works off site. Towards the end of the meeting, it seemed appropriate to tell her that I'm pregnant, partly because I see her rarely and I thought she might be offended if she heard through the grapevine. She has two beautiful kids, and I have assumed since I met her (with no actual evidence) that she was done having children. But I've known her for a few years, so it didn't seem unwarranted. Fie on all my assumptions! When I told her, we had been discussing an upcoming conference. She then told me that she had been pregnant until two months ago. She got incredibly unlucky, and was one of the few who miscarries because of amnio. She was due in April. I must have looked completely stricken, but I hope I recovered well enough that I didn't make it too much worse. She seemed fine, so I feel like a total jerk for being more upset than she was in that moment. I don't want to make it worse, or make her feel like she needs to worry about my feelings, or the reaction of the next person she tells. I should know better!! I just feel terrible for not responding better, and for forcing her to think about it then when she wasn't expecting it. Obviously, I did not try to make up for it by explaining that my reproductive life hasn't been easy either, because honestly, I don't feel like any amount of unsuccessful trying holds a candle to loss. And I'm not that much of a jerk to make it about me at that moment. Instead, I gave her a hug, and she explained that she hadn't been planning to attend this conference since it's right before her due date, but now she's trying to see the new possibilities in the next couple of months. The conference would definitely be very distracting, so I hope she gets to go. I'm also hoping that some good may come of her telling me, even though my initial reaction wasn't so good, because this way she'll have someone to talk to at the conference if she needs it. Through the whole thing she seemed really good, but I'm still feeling like a jerk. I have resolved to do better in the future, because I should be continually striving for sensitivity.
But I just don't think there's a worse scenario than saying to someone, "I'm pregnant," and having them say, "I used to be pregnant." Worst case for everyone involved.
I was meeting with a lovely woman I work with, with whom I get along really well. We don't know each other well, but I think we like each other as people as well as coworkers. I see her very infrequently because she works off site. Towards the end of the meeting, it seemed appropriate to tell her that I'm pregnant, partly because I see her rarely and I thought she might be offended if she heard through the grapevine. She has two beautiful kids, and I have assumed since I met her (with no actual evidence) that she was done having children. But I've known her for a few years, so it didn't seem unwarranted. Fie on all my assumptions! When I told her, we had been discussing an upcoming conference. She then told me that she had been pregnant until two months ago. She got incredibly unlucky, and was one of the few who miscarries because of amnio. She was due in April. I must have looked completely stricken, but I hope I recovered well enough that I didn't make it too much worse. She seemed fine, so I feel like a total jerk for being more upset than she was in that moment. I don't want to make it worse, or make her feel like she needs to worry about my feelings, or the reaction of the next person she tells. I should know better!! I just feel terrible for not responding better, and for forcing her to think about it then when she wasn't expecting it. Obviously, I did not try to make up for it by explaining that my reproductive life hasn't been easy either, because honestly, I don't feel like any amount of unsuccessful trying holds a candle to loss. And I'm not that much of a jerk to make it about me at that moment. Instead, I gave her a hug, and she explained that she hadn't been planning to attend this conference since it's right before her due date, but now she's trying to see the new possibilities in the next couple of months. The conference would definitely be very distracting, so I hope she gets to go. I'm also hoping that some good may come of her telling me, even though my initial reaction wasn't so good, because this way she'll have someone to talk to at the conference if she needs it. Through the whole thing she seemed really good, but I'm still feeling like a jerk. I have resolved to do better in the future, because I should be continually striving for sensitivity.
But I just don't think there's a worse scenario than saying to someone, "I'm pregnant," and having them say, "I used to be pregnant." Worst case for everyone involved.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happiness
Sorry for being absent. I started my postdoc last week, and have been overwhelmed with trying to handle all my old projects and the new ones as well. I'm getting the balancing act readjusted so that I can do a good job of hydrating and eating well in a new lab situation. (Since I can't eat or drink in the lab, it takes effort to plan out how and where I can eat when I need to.)
We had an ultrasound on Friday, which was super fun. I was really nervous beforehand, even though we had heard the heartbeat a week earlier. Mostly I was nervous for the nuchal translucency test. Not because there's any elevated risk (I'm 28), but because I don't believe in taking tests when you haven't thought about what to do with that information, and I was so heartsick at the idea that we would choose to end the pregnancy if trisomy 18 were diagnosed. Waiting for almost an hour in the waiting room was particularly anxiety-provoking, because you have to have a full bladder, and that feeling definitely exacerbates the normal nervousness. But once we got in there, I was overwhelmed with joy looking at the kid. He or she looks so much more like a person! I mean, still like a space alien, but so much more like a baby : ) I'm in love. The most amazing part was as the ultrasound tech poked to try to get him/her to move into the right position for the NTT measurement, and we could watch him/her move. Completely breathtaking. My baby can move! Originally he/she had been in a typical fetal position, but as the poking went on, he/she moved the arms above the head like he/she was trying to fend off the pokes. We never managed to get the kid to straighten its neck and get the perfect measurement, but they sent us home with assurances that the "almost right" measurements they got showed no cause for concern. In the end, I was glad the kid was so contrary, because it meant we got to keep watching for what felt like hours : ) And it's definitely our kid - refused to cooperate for picture-taking (my husband to a T), and extremely contrary (totally me). Lying on my left side, emptying my bladder, none of it had any effect on getting the kid to get in the right position even for a moment. I could watch all day. It's amazing how much closer the kid feels when we can see it. The still photos don't do it justice, but are still kind of fun.
Yesterday a friend and I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was so happy that she was willing to go with me. I have to remind myself that people are all different, because I hate shopping, and doing this with me would be my idea of torture. But luckily she likes shopping and was totally into it. It made it way more fun for me to, although I wouldn't say I loved it or anything. I've been feeling pretty insecure, since all the weight I've gained during our struggle to get pregnant makes me embarrassed. I hate how I look in recent photos (pre-pregnancy). Since I got pregnant, I've actually lost a couple of pounds, but it has also redistributed. Nothing else seems smaller to me, but my belly is definitely bigger. I'm just not confident enough yet about it since I know it's almost all me, and not the kid. But at one of the stores we went to, they had a belly pillow in the dressing room, so I tried it on to see how the tops would look in several months. I'm kind of in love with that image, too. I've never been particularly belly-obsessed. My infertility nightmares were all about the fact of pregnancy that is behind the belly, but not the belly itself. So I am surprised and delighted that I'm so excited and not insecure about a big belly. I want it as soon as possible, so I can stop taking offense that I look pregnant when all the weight is my own. The 3.5 inch kid is not contributing that much, so I can't wait until he or she is. I really want to look pregnant. Even though my rational part knows it's better for my career if I look less pregnant for longer.
In all, it's been a great week. I have to work all day today, so I need to get my butt in gear and get it done. But I just wanted to share that I'm feeling happy and content. And now I have some more clothes to wear that fit, so that makes the prospect of the coming week more appealing. This shopping stuff may not be so bad after all : )
We had an ultrasound on Friday, which was super fun. I was really nervous beforehand, even though we had heard the heartbeat a week earlier. Mostly I was nervous for the nuchal translucency test. Not because there's any elevated risk (I'm 28), but because I don't believe in taking tests when you haven't thought about what to do with that information, and I was so heartsick at the idea that we would choose to end the pregnancy if trisomy 18 were diagnosed. Waiting for almost an hour in the waiting room was particularly anxiety-provoking, because you have to have a full bladder, and that feeling definitely exacerbates the normal nervousness. But once we got in there, I was overwhelmed with joy looking at the kid. He or she looks so much more like a person! I mean, still like a space alien, but so much more like a baby : ) I'm in love. The most amazing part was as the ultrasound tech poked to try to get him/her to move into the right position for the NTT measurement, and we could watch him/her move. Completely breathtaking. My baby can move! Originally he/she had been in a typical fetal position, but as the poking went on, he/she moved the arms above the head like he/she was trying to fend off the pokes. We never managed to get the kid to straighten its neck and get the perfect measurement, but they sent us home with assurances that the "almost right" measurements they got showed no cause for concern. In the end, I was glad the kid was so contrary, because it meant we got to keep watching for what felt like hours : ) And it's definitely our kid - refused to cooperate for picture-taking (my husband to a T), and extremely contrary (totally me). Lying on my left side, emptying my bladder, none of it had any effect on getting the kid to get in the right position even for a moment. I could watch all day. It's amazing how much closer the kid feels when we can see it. The still photos don't do it justice, but are still kind of fun.
Yesterday a friend and I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was so happy that she was willing to go with me. I have to remind myself that people are all different, because I hate shopping, and doing this with me would be my idea of torture. But luckily she likes shopping and was totally into it. It made it way more fun for me to, although I wouldn't say I loved it or anything. I've been feeling pretty insecure, since all the weight I've gained during our struggle to get pregnant makes me embarrassed. I hate how I look in recent photos (pre-pregnancy). Since I got pregnant, I've actually lost a couple of pounds, but it has also redistributed. Nothing else seems smaller to me, but my belly is definitely bigger. I'm just not confident enough yet about it since I know it's almost all me, and not the kid. But at one of the stores we went to, they had a belly pillow in the dressing room, so I tried it on to see how the tops would look in several months. I'm kind of in love with that image, too. I've never been particularly belly-obsessed. My infertility nightmares were all about the fact of pregnancy that is behind the belly, but not the belly itself. So I am surprised and delighted that I'm so excited and not insecure about a big belly. I want it as soon as possible, so I can stop taking offense that I look pregnant when all the weight is my own. The 3.5 inch kid is not contributing that much, so I can't wait until he or she is. I really want to look pregnant. Even though my rational part knows it's better for my career if I look less pregnant for longer.
In all, it's been a great week. I have to work all day today, so I need to get my butt in gear and get it done. But I just wanted to share that I'm feeling happy and content. And now I have some more clothes to wear that fit, so that makes the prospect of the coming week more appealing. This shopping stuff may not be so bad after all : )
Friday, December 24, 2010
New symptom: hormones. Or, how I'm the worst sister in the world....
Ok, so the topic is hormones. No, for real. In the last several days I have cried several times a day – usually at heartwarming commercials on TV. I haven’t cried today, but I’m on the verge (scratch that – I just spent 30 min crying hiding from my husband’s family). Too much stuff, and all I want to do is hide from the world. On the whole, family makes me insanely happy. But my sister got engaged today. To a guy who I think is a dud. There’s nothing so terrible about him, but my main objection is that she has never seemed to think he’s The One. I never got the impression that she felt that strongly or liked him that much. Until very recently, when I got the impression that she got caught up in the momentum of being with someone for several years, and her feelings got overtaken by how much he likes her. He knows a good thing when he’s got it, so he’s got that going for him. But still. It’s really hard to watch my sister settle for someone who is often selfish and difficult for her to deal with. I know that I’m insanely lucky to have such an incredible man in my husband, and that everyone is different, but I want my siblings to have what I have – true love of the kind you never question. And instead she’s getting caught up in the idea that now is the right time for marriage in her life, and the self-justifying rationalization that if she’s been with him for this long she must really love him. She’s never asked me what I think about any of this, so I have never talked to her about it. So I need to get this out, so that I can cry and get over my disappointment, and then be a good sister and be happy for her in as sincere a way as I can. Please don’t think I’m the worst person in the world for not being happy for my sister. I want to be. That’s why I’m trying to get this out in anonymous blog land so that I can call her and rejoice appropriately. But it’s too much emotionally, on a day when I was already having a hard time being patient with myself and with my mother-in-law, and with my absent sister-in-law who decided that attending Christmas eve with her whole extended family and her mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer, was too much effort because the 4 hour drive would inconvenience her new husband, breaking the 30 year tradition. It’s all too much. But I’m a big person and I can grow bigger. Today. Because that’s what you do when you love your family. But what I really need is a hug and a good cry.
Friday, December 10, 2010
First snow!
I love snow. Like, really a lot. And I'm completely tickled that this is the kid's first snow. I know it can't tell that I'm looking at snow out the window, but I'm going to have some hot cocoa on the theory that it will feel the warm cozy sensation with me. It always makes me nervous to celebrate things like this, even within my own head, because I'm scared I'm somehow going to jinx it and something will happen to the baby. But for today I'm going to try to be happy and look not too far ahead.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
In other news
I puked for the first time today. I'm trying to remind myself that this is another tiny reduction in the miscarriage risk, since apparently women who puke miscarry slightly less than women who are only nauseated. So let's call it a good thing. It could have been a lot worse, but I hate puking, and it makes me feel really insecure feeling like it could happen again at any moment. I've been more emotional today than usual, and I don't know if it's a hormone surge that's causing both symptoms, or whether my emotions are just frayed from being afraid of vomiting again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, because it's my husband's office holiday party.
Speaking of my husband, he told four people today. More than ever before. The sweetest story was when he told a coworker who has a one-year-old. They had also struggled for years (3 I think) to conceive. Lots of therapy. And basically they ended up getting pregnant while waiting to start IVF. I don't think they were very open about their struggle, but when my husband mentioned that we were having trouble while they were on a business trip, his coworker told him about how hard it was for him and his wife. It's made me feel closer to them from afar ever since, and it was just so nice for my husband to be able to finally give this friend the good news. Apparently he barely got into the office and said "so can you keep a secret for a couple of weeks?" and the friend immediately knew what he was talking about and jumped up and hugged him and told him how happy he is for us. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.
Finally, I'm struck by how different my work is from my husband's. My current boss has never had a trainee get pregnant before. None of the women in the lab have kids. So I'm continually expecting this news to hurt my career, and spend a lot of time thinking about how to show I'm still serious. I'm always surprised at how well people take it, no matter how many people I tell (10 so far? more?). In contrast, my husband works at a school where it seems like everyone is having kids all the time. They always have people on maternity leave, and his officemate has helped put together nanny-share arrangements for various people who work there. I think his life is a lot more normal than mine. But then again, when we were frustrated TTC, I could escape to work and throw myself into it without having constant reminders, and he had to go to work every day with happy pregnant people. Luckily, he's way better adjusted than I am : ) Still, I think this could be a great new advertising idea for lab science to draw in the frustrated infertiles.... "Biology: an escape from procreation" Catchy, right?
Speaking of my husband, he told four people today. More than ever before. The sweetest story was when he told a coworker who has a one-year-old. They had also struggled for years (3 I think) to conceive. Lots of therapy. And basically they ended up getting pregnant while waiting to start IVF. I don't think they were very open about their struggle, but when my husband mentioned that we were having trouble while they were on a business trip, his coworker told him about how hard it was for him and his wife. It's made me feel closer to them from afar ever since, and it was just so nice for my husband to be able to finally give this friend the good news. Apparently he barely got into the office and said "so can you keep a secret for a couple of weeks?" and the friend immediately knew what he was talking about and jumped up and hugged him and told him how happy he is for us. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.
Finally, I'm struck by how different my work is from my husband's. My current boss has never had a trainee get pregnant before. None of the women in the lab have kids. So I'm continually expecting this news to hurt my career, and spend a lot of time thinking about how to show I'm still serious. I'm always surprised at how well people take it, no matter how many people I tell (10 so far? more?). In contrast, my husband works at a school where it seems like everyone is having kids all the time. They always have people on maternity leave, and his officemate has helped put together nanny-share arrangements for various people who work there. I think his life is a lot more normal than mine. But then again, when we were frustrated TTC, I could escape to work and throw myself into it without having constant reminders, and he had to go to work every day with happy pregnant people. Luckily, he's way better adjusted than I am : ) Still, I think this could be a great new advertising idea for lab science to draw in the frustrated infertiles.... "Biology: an escape from procreation" Catchy, right?
Telling the boss(es)
Thus far I have told 4 different people with the title “boss.” Four men to be specific (ah, science).
My future boss, starting in January, was actually a person I told when we started trying to conceive. And he and I have discussed the fact that we were using ART, and I had mentioned that it was looking like we’d have to start IVF pretty soon after I began working for him. I wanted to be as upfront as possible, since in a small lab any time off for a trainee can have an impact on a tenure-track scientist. But he’s a super family-friendly person, and a shoo-in for early tenure, so he has managed to be ridiculously positive about the whole thing. And in fact, he was one of the absolute first people I told when I found out I was pregnant. My husband agreed, he’s the person, after us, who probably has the most vested interest in this news : )
My current boss didn’t actually find out from me. I went into his office yesterday to tell him, but it turns out that a coworker I had told thought he already knew and spilled the beans. I thought that was fine, because that way I didn’t have to worry about his first reaction being inappropriate, but I also took pains to make sure he knew I was planning to tell him right away. I think we’re fine….
I told my two overseas supervisors in the same email message, and their reactions were completely opposite. One wrote back this morning responding to all of the logistical issues I brought up in my email (I won’t be able to fly there for my thesis defense when we had planned because it’s too late in the pregnancy, for example). I was a little surprised at this, since he’s a very family-oriented person, but I appreciated the logistical advice since he’s my main resource for that part of things.
What really surprised me was the reaction of my other overseas supervisor. He’s a great person, but we have always discussed almost exclusively science, and he has made a lot of sacrifices in his personal life for his career. He tends to be the most gruff of my advisors. And I see him less than once a year and speak to him only every 6 months or so. So I was completely shocked when he called me the moment he got the email. I wondered what he wanted to talk about so urgently (assuming it was logistics), but he launched into a description of how important the first 3-4 months of a pregnancy are, and urged me to take it easy over and over. He actually said “research will wait.” It was unexpected and really quite touching. He seemed so concerned about me. I have to say, it made me feel better about how lazy I’ve been about work in the last few weeks : ) It was just complete sweetness from the most unexpected source. And it made me feel great.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Long time away
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Basically, I feel like crap, and I feel like an ungrateful jerk complaining about feeling like crap. My sense of smell is in miserable overdrive, I feel nauseated most of the time, and I'm completely exhausted. As a result, I have accomplished almost nothing in the last 2 weeks. My paper STILL isn't submitted, and it's entirely my own laziness. But hopefully I'll get better. I'm trying to remind myself that this period doesn't last forever.
I made an appointment with an OB who was highly recommended both by my fertility doctor and by two coworkers. It seemed like it would be worth it to have such an awesome doctor, even though the wait for a new patient appointment is weeks and weeks. So I have to be patient about getting to see the kid again. It's really hard, because obviously my anecdotal experience with other people's blogs is that miscarriage is a major threat. So given my way, I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure things are going as planned. But I'm trying to remind myself that what will be will be, and that my symptoms are continual reminders that the baby is doing what it's doing : ) Luckily, the last picture we got (at 8 weeks 3 days) is pretty awesome:
(heartbeat was 170bpm)
If you're reading this, I hope you're well. I really appreciate this community, and I promise to be more in touch in the coming days and weeks.
I made an appointment with an OB who was highly recommended both by my fertility doctor and by two coworkers. It seemed like it would be worth it to have such an awesome doctor, even though the wait for a new patient appointment is weeks and weeks. So I have to be patient about getting to see the kid again. It's really hard, because obviously my anecdotal experience with other people's blogs is that miscarriage is a major threat. So given my way, I would have an ultrasound every week to make sure things are going as planned. But I'm trying to remind myself that what will be will be, and that my symptoms are continual reminders that the baby is doing what it's doing : ) Luckily, the last picture we got (at 8 weeks 3 days) is pretty awesome:
(heartbeat was 170bpm)If you're reading this, I hope you're well. I really appreciate this community, and I promise to be more in touch in the coming days and weeks.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Oh my God I'm really pregnant!
With one embryo. And it has a heartbeat! 115 beats per minute. Amazing amazing amazing. I guess it's real : ) No guarantees for the future, but at this moment I'm pregnant. Wow.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Symptoms
I'm having a hard time, so this is going to be me getting it all out, so that I can see it more clearly. First off, I've been really emotional for the last couple of days, so I need to focus on the fact that this is a good sign - it's just a symptom, and all symptoms are signs that I'm actually pregnant. Even though this symptom makes me weep uncontrollably, and makes me cry when my parents and mother-in-law call to share their excitement.
My breasts have been really sore, even though I don't think they're any bigger. I haven't thrown up, but I do feel slightly nauseated a lot of the time. In the last couple of days that's made me feel like eating only carbs. Even though I'm terrified of getting gestational diabetes and hurting the baby, I'm trying to remind myself that at this moment the baby doesn't need much in the way of extra nutrition (keeping up with the multivitamin and fish oil supplements). Eating a little bit several times a day helps with the nausea, so I think it's probably morning sickness. I've also been completely exhausted, and having a hard time sleeping through the night. I think it's probably that I need to pee and that makes me sleep lighter, which makes me more sensitive to my husband snoring. So again, I need to recast this issue as a symptom, and therefore positive.
It's worth mentioning also that I suck at being sick. Seriously - even relatively minor ailments make me emotional and lazy. I frequently cry out of frustration when I'm sick because I hate feeling out of control so much. So even though I am trying to remember that these symptoms are a good thing, I'm also having a hard time dealing. Normally I just wait it out when I feel bad, but in this case, that comfort doesn't exist: it's going to get worse rather than better, and it's not going to stop for months. And that's a good thing, but it's also hard for me to deal with when I'm already having mood swings. Human beings are magical, and we can adjust to almost anything. So I'm going to be able to feel like myself again. This won't last forever, and I need to be gentle with myself that I'm not superwoman.
I'm also having a hard time not worrying about miscarriage. So many other people have dealt with this, and it seems foolhardy to think I'll get a miracle when the odds are so high. But I'm trying to remind myself that my betas were good, and I did another home pregnancy test today and realized I'm an idiot: when I took the first one, I saw that the line was pretty faint, so I thought today I would feel better seeing it go up. It was only after reading this one that I realized I had the lines reversed - the other one was super dark. Luckily, today's was too. But that was after I had a heart attack over the fact that the line was really faint. The CONTROL line was really faint. Some lab scientist I am : )
All of which brings me to the topic that will make me feel insanely guilty. Please stop reading now, all of you. I need to write it down, but it's just going to make you all hate me. So please, just stop here. My inability to work this week has made my ambition-related anxiety go into hyperdrive. I'm incredibly ambitious, and I love being good at science. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I also want to be a good scientist. During the years that we've been struggling to have a baby, I have funneled lots of my energy into work. I became a slightly frightening work-a-holic as a way to deal with the complete lack of control that infertility continually rubs your nose in. But by now, that approach is a complete habit for me (one I like). So much so that I feel terrible that I'm not being more productive in the last week as I adjust to being pregnant. I should be writing this paper, but I'm exhausted and nauseated, so instead I work way less than I used to. I'm realizing that I need to recalibrate my expectations. When I started doing this job, I had a totally reasonable balance of 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. If I was focused and productive during those hours I could get a lot done. In the last few years that has increased, so that now I feel guilty if I work less than 12 hours. Which is every day recently, and I'm feeling like I'm losing an important part of myself. I need to focus on recalibrating, and I also need to get into a new habit for writing. Before, I would go to the coffee shop and a decaf would help me focus. I need to get back in that habit but without the caffeine. I also need to get back on track with my writing buddy, who I've been avoiding because I can't handle telling her I'm pregnant. But I need to bite the bullet, and get back on track so that I can get a handle on this anxiety. Which now I feel like I can do.
In case you're still reading, here's the final, slightly hilarious symptom: I can't stand things being messy, dirty or disorganized. In general, I'm a totally messy person, and my husband does most of the housework. But in the last week I've done a lot of cleaning, because it makes me anxious to have things out of place. Our house isn't especially neat or clean right now, but I'm noticing, and that's a new thing. Pregnancy OCD. I wonder if that's a thing.
My breasts have been really sore, even though I don't think they're any bigger. I haven't thrown up, but I do feel slightly nauseated a lot of the time. In the last couple of days that's made me feel like eating only carbs. Even though I'm terrified of getting gestational diabetes and hurting the baby, I'm trying to remind myself that at this moment the baby doesn't need much in the way of extra nutrition (keeping up with the multivitamin and fish oil supplements). Eating a little bit several times a day helps with the nausea, so I think it's probably morning sickness. I've also been completely exhausted, and having a hard time sleeping through the night. I think it's probably that I need to pee and that makes me sleep lighter, which makes me more sensitive to my husband snoring. So again, I need to recast this issue as a symptom, and therefore positive.
It's worth mentioning also that I suck at being sick. Seriously - even relatively minor ailments make me emotional and lazy. I frequently cry out of frustration when I'm sick because I hate feeling out of control so much. So even though I am trying to remember that these symptoms are a good thing, I'm also having a hard time dealing. Normally I just wait it out when I feel bad, but in this case, that comfort doesn't exist: it's going to get worse rather than better, and it's not going to stop for months. And that's a good thing, but it's also hard for me to deal with when I'm already having mood swings. Human beings are magical, and we can adjust to almost anything. So I'm going to be able to feel like myself again. This won't last forever, and I need to be gentle with myself that I'm not superwoman.
I'm also having a hard time not worrying about miscarriage. So many other people have dealt with this, and it seems foolhardy to think I'll get a miracle when the odds are so high. But I'm trying to remind myself that my betas were good, and I did another home pregnancy test today and realized I'm an idiot: when I took the first one, I saw that the line was pretty faint, so I thought today I would feel better seeing it go up. It was only after reading this one that I realized I had the lines reversed - the other one was super dark. Luckily, today's was too. But that was after I had a heart attack over the fact that the line was really faint. The CONTROL line was really faint. Some lab scientist I am : )
All of which brings me to the topic that will make me feel insanely guilty. Please stop reading now, all of you. I need to write it down, but it's just going to make you all hate me. So please, just stop here. My inability to work this week has made my ambition-related anxiety go into hyperdrive. I'm incredibly ambitious, and I love being good at science. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I also want to be a good scientist. During the years that we've been struggling to have a baby, I have funneled lots of my energy into work. I became a slightly frightening work-a-holic as a way to deal with the complete lack of control that infertility continually rubs your nose in. But by now, that approach is a complete habit for me (one I like). So much so that I feel terrible that I'm not being more productive in the last week as I adjust to being pregnant. I should be writing this paper, but I'm exhausted and nauseated, so instead I work way less than I used to. I'm realizing that I need to recalibrate my expectations. When I started doing this job, I had a totally reasonable balance of 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. If I was focused and productive during those hours I could get a lot done. In the last few years that has increased, so that now I feel guilty if I work less than 12 hours. Which is every day recently, and I'm feeling like I'm losing an important part of myself. I need to focus on recalibrating, and I also need to get into a new habit for writing. Before, I would go to the coffee shop and a decaf would help me focus. I need to get back in that habit but without the caffeine. I also need to get back on track with my writing buddy, who I've been avoiding because I can't handle telling her I'm pregnant. But I need to bite the bullet, and get back on track so that I can get a handle on this anxiety. Which now I feel like I can do.
In case you're still reading, here's the final, slightly hilarious symptom: I can't stand things being messy, dirty or disorganized. In general, I'm a totally messy person, and my husband does most of the housework. But in the last week I've done a lot of cleaning, because it makes me anxious to have things out of place. Our house isn't especially neat or clean right now, but I'm noticing, and that's a new thing. Pregnancy OCD. I wonder if that's a thing.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Week 5
The stick was a good idea, and both moms were over the moon. So that made it seem more real. But now it's fading again. I think it's mostly because my husband processes things deep in his brain (the emotional stuff at least), so he doesn't bring it up, and he's the main person I talk to outside of work.
The third beta was 2081, which they count as appropriate doubling even though by my count it's not quite (for 3 days later). So we scheduled the ultrasound for Friday, and hopefully that will make me more confident about the whole thing. I really need to tell people, because a) it doesn't feel real if it's a secret from everyone around me, b) I think about miscarriage a lot by myself and other people are too ignorant to be worried about that so they focus me on the happy part, and c) I feel like I'm lying by hiding this from important people. But the things that hold me back are a) I feel like I should tell my siblings before I tell other people (even though I feel like I'd rather practice on friends first), and b) I know if I miscarry I'm not going to want to have to tell almost anyone.
So at the moment my plan is to tell one close friend before Friday, and then tell my siblings over the weekend if the ultrasound goes well. I know it's stupid to be scared of telling them, but I really am. I'm the oldest, and this will change a lot about the family dynamic (or at least they will be worried it will). None of them have any experience with this area, and none of them has a very good filter, so I'm really worried they'll say something that will crush me without really meaning to. I know that's stupid, but it's there and so I need to get it out.
In other news, I've been exhausted and very slightly nauseated all week. I've been so tired that I have no idea how there are people who don't notice they're pregnant. Week 5, and I can't function at all like normal. Which sucks because I'm insanely anxious about work, and not getting it done makes me wake up early from anxiety, which means less sleep, which makes me more tired, which continues the cycle. So I'm trying to do some very basic easy yoga, to make me feel a little more physically competent. And I keep reminding myself that I'm accomplishing something at all times by growing a human being. And most importantly, that as long as I finish my PhD before the kid is born, it's really not going to matter that I couldn't finish by the end of 2010. It just means I need to tell my advisors way earlier than I otherwise would, since that's why I'm asking for an extension.
It's all going to be ok. Cleaning is surprisingly soothing right now, so I'm going to go do that. Thanks for listening to my anxiety-fueled ramblings.
The third beta was 2081, which they count as appropriate doubling even though by my count it's not quite (for 3 days later). So we scheduled the ultrasound for Friday, and hopefully that will make me more confident about the whole thing. I really need to tell people, because a) it doesn't feel real if it's a secret from everyone around me, b) I think about miscarriage a lot by myself and other people are too ignorant to be worried about that so they focus me on the happy part, and c) I feel like I'm lying by hiding this from important people. But the things that hold me back are a) I feel like I should tell my siblings before I tell other people (even though I feel like I'd rather practice on friends first), and b) I know if I miscarry I'm not going to want to have to tell almost anyone.
So at the moment my plan is to tell one close friend before Friday, and then tell my siblings over the weekend if the ultrasound goes well. I know it's stupid to be scared of telling them, but I really am. I'm the oldest, and this will change a lot about the family dynamic (or at least they will be worried it will). None of them have any experience with this area, and none of them has a very good filter, so I'm really worried they'll say something that will crush me without really meaning to. I know that's stupid, but it's there and so I need to get it out.
In other news, I've been exhausted and very slightly nauseated all week. I've been so tired that I have no idea how there are people who don't notice they're pregnant. Week 5, and I can't function at all like normal. Which sucks because I'm insanely anxious about work, and not getting it done makes me wake up early from anxiety, which means less sleep, which makes me more tired, which continues the cycle. So I'm trying to do some very basic easy yoga, to make me feel a little more physically competent. And I keep reminding myself that I'm accomplishing something at all times by growing a human being. And most importantly, that as long as I finish my PhD before the kid is born, it's really not going to matter that I couldn't finish by the end of 2010. It just means I need to tell my advisors way earlier than I otherwise would, since that's why I'm asking for an extension.
It's all going to be ok. Cleaning is surprisingly soothing right now, so I'm going to go do that. Thanks for listening to my anxiety-fueled ramblings.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Great news
The result today was 768, more than double 48 hours before. I have another test on Monday, and if that shows good doubling too, we get to schedule an ultrasound at the fertility clinic for the 19th. That fact made it seem more real all of a sudden. And I’m very grateful that I won’t have to wait long to see if there’s more than one embryo in there. The nurse said it’s impossible to predict anything from the levels being on the high side, so my fears about multiples are solely based on the fact that they had no idea how many eggs were mature when we finally triggered. So there could be up to 25 in there : ) But hopefully NOT! I’m going to keep my fingers crossed until Monday, but today’s result definitely made me feel better about the whole thing. It might be real. That means we need to tell our moms - probably today. Which still doesn’t feel like a good idea, but I’m going to buy a stick test on the way home, so hopefully that will make it seem more real. I’ve never ever seen even a hint of a line on any test in the last 2 years, so I’m really looking forward to it. Happy happy, and hopefully going to get to stay that way. I hope my mom is happy, but even if she is, there’s a strong history of her making me cry when I tell her good news. Hopefully we can break that pattern today, since she should be expecting this news. Craziest week ever!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Um.
There are too many things I want to say at once. In the end, I'm only trying to write this entry because I think I'll want to remember how I feel today, before it's overshadowed by how I'll feel tomorrow or the day after that.
I'm pregnant. At least for now. And the stupid thing is that I feel like I should apologize to anyone reading this, because your infertility journey has probably been so much worse than mine, and I hate feeling like I'm going to cause someone pain by writing this. But I am, and I'm so unbelievably a jumble of emotions.
It doesn't feel real, although I'm hoping that the repeat beta test tomorrow will make me feel like it's ok to believe it. I'm also going to buy a pregnancy test on the way home tomorrow, so that I can pee on a stick and know for sure they didn't mix up the samples, and maybe holding it in my hand will make it seem true. This can't happen to me. IUI? But it's so simple. We started this cycle the day the doctor told us that IVF was probably our only shot. Can we really be getting what we've been dreaming about for so long? And how can I ever take on the responsibility of keeping safe, and growing this other human life? It's so overwhelming (and amazing - I oscillate continuously).
My husband didn't believe it either. Not really. I could tell it wasn't sinking in, even though his face in the first moment I told him was something I want to remember forever. And he held me while I cried out of happiness and sheer overwhelmedness. So many emotions. I need for him to come home tonight so that I can talk to someone about it again. I feel bad about it, but I lied point blank to my mom about it when she asked this afternoon, and told her the test is tomorrow. Because I am feeling so worried that it's not going to keep being true that I couldn't bear the idea of having to deal with her happiness today. So instead I get to tell her tomorrow, right? When there really is good news, and I won't have to snatch it right back.
My primary anxieties today are that the high HCG level (351!) either means multiples, or a molar pregnancy, and also that this happiness will only last for a few days or weeks and I'll miscarry. It has happened to so many other women, and it makes it almost impossible to believe that we'll actually get to hold onto this happiness. But at the same time, it's so insanely reassuring that our genetic material can combine at all, so I'm trying to hold onto that. I teased my husband that the fact that our first IUI worked means that the problem all along has been that his sperm weren't bright enough to get past my cervix.
The nurse called yesterday, and I asked her whether she was sure at least twice. I was so surprised. They always say they have bad news. Never good news! We have a whole routine. And yet she did. And they didn't call back all afternoon to say it was a mix-up.
I'm reassured by the fact that there are actual symptoms. Not definitive, obviously, but it explains a lot, in retrospect. I was exhausted all weekend, and the weekend before I slept for an entire day. I've had a variety of other health issues in the last couple of weeks, and they all show up on a list of early pregnancy symptoms. So maybe it's true. Maybe this will actually be the start of an amazing amazing adventure. And not the start of a dark period in my life. For tonight, I'm going to try to focus on the idea of a baby (or babies) next summer. Perfect timing for my teacher husband (and for me, assuming I can work successfully while pregnant). The timing he would have chosen two years ago (a year earlier, obviously) if I hadn't told him firmly that fertility isn't predictable, and that we were not stupid enough to try to time anything. Can we really be this lucky?
I think that's most of it. Maybe my life really did change in an instant. Just like every other part of this experience, it's very Schroedinger's Cat - I won't know whether my life changed yesterday until further down the line. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe....
I'm pregnant. At least for now. And the stupid thing is that I feel like I should apologize to anyone reading this, because your infertility journey has probably been so much worse than mine, and I hate feeling like I'm going to cause someone pain by writing this. But I am, and I'm so unbelievably a jumble of emotions.
It doesn't feel real, although I'm hoping that the repeat beta test tomorrow will make me feel like it's ok to believe it. I'm also going to buy a pregnancy test on the way home tomorrow, so that I can pee on a stick and know for sure they didn't mix up the samples, and maybe holding it in my hand will make it seem true. This can't happen to me. IUI? But it's so simple. We started this cycle the day the doctor told us that IVF was probably our only shot. Can we really be getting what we've been dreaming about for so long? And how can I ever take on the responsibility of keeping safe, and growing this other human life? It's so overwhelming (and amazing - I oscillate continuously).
My husband didn't believe it either. Not really. I could tell it wasn't sinking in, even though his face in the first moment I told him was something I want to remember forever. And he held me while I cried out of happiness and sheer overwhelmedness. So many emotions. I need for him to come home tonight so that I can talk to someone about it again. I feel bad about it, but I lied point blank to my mom about it when she asked this afternoon, and told her the test is tomorrow. Because I am feeling so worried that it's not going to keep being true that I couldn't bear the idea of having to deal with her happiness today. So instead I get to tell her tomorrow, right? When there really is good news, and I won't have to snatch it right back.
My primary anxieties today are that the high HCG level (351!) either means multiples, or a molar pregnancy, and also that this happiness will only last for a few days or weeks and I'll miscarry. It has happened to so many other women, and it makes it almost impossible to believe that we'll actually get to hold onto this happiness. But at the same time, it's so insanely reassuring that our genetic material can combine at all, so I'm trying to hold onto that. I teased my husband that the fact that our first IUI worked means that the problem all along has been that his sperm weren't bright enough to get past my cervix.
The nurse called yesterday, and I asked her whether she was sure at least twice. I was so surprised. They always say they have bad news. Never good news! We have a whole routine. And yet she did. And they didn't call back all afternoon to say it was a mix-up.
I'm reassured by the fact that there are actual symptoms. Not definitive, obviously, but it explains a lot, in retrospect. I was exhausted all weekend, and the weekend before I slept for an entire day. I've had a variety of other health issues in the last couple of weeks, and they all show up on a list of early pregnancy symptoms. So maybe it's true. Maybe this will actually be the start of an amazing amazing adventure. And not the start of a dark period in my life. For tonight, I'm going to try to focus on the idea of a baby (or babies) next summer. Perfect timing for my teacher husband (and for me, assuming I can work successfully while pregnant). The timing he would have chosen two years ago (a year earlier, obviously) if I hadn't told him firmly that fertility isn't predictable, and that we were not stupid enough to try to time anything. Can we really be this lucky?
I think that's most of it. Maybe my life really did change in an instant. Just like every other part of this experience, it's very Schroedinger's Cat - I won't know whether my life changed yesterday until further down the line. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe....
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